Photo from: http://randomdancingthoughts.blogspot.co.uk
8th May 2012
"To be or not to be" a reflection on the 'Me'
What is it first? The chicken or the egg? The 'me' today or the 'me' before? Am I today more true to my essence? Who was the 'me' before? The protection, the false self, the defence, the mechanism of survival? The creation of the Superego?
For years I have been aware a part of me has gone... A part that people use to identify as me. But was that the real me? I don't miss it!
"I found you the way you are" ... but I been thinking I become someone else since I been with you! Sometimes it feels like you bring out the worst in me?! But is this an illusion?
Maybe what the reality is, is that you bring out my shadow and you reflect my shadow so I can face it. And what I have become I haven't become - I am!
I now have free my self of the pretend because of your unconditional love and acceptance!
Ok this big and heavy. Am I ready to go deep?
I am true to myself and others now, but was I before? I was, but as well there was a part of me that pretended to be what I thought others would like me to be. Sometimes that was a way of having attention, sometimes of feeling needed and value and sometimes a way of having power! Power, yes we use power to have control, and I always needed to be in control!
Romantic love for most of my life was not an option, either there was no interest from the other side or I was not interested or I was not allowed... Then when trauma came and blame and shame came about... When 'innocent' meant nothing and I found myself alone, empty and lost... Nothing had any meaning...
I found myself walking the streets alone, homeless and young... No bag, no money, no identity... Lost in my pain I found a friend who took me in... New life, new me... Survive I will for sure I knew and I did... But I was dead inside!
Take it from me, take it! Who cares? Innocence? What is that when you die? Feelings are luxury you not allowed to have when you dead inside, all becomes mechanical, and all works fine as long as you don't get attached or expect any more...
I learn the game, but I was saved, I did not belong there... Still, I run away dead inside and start my long journey of finding my self alive! The game kept me save for a time...
Walking the walk of life when you partly dead is quite a job but one you not aware because you don't know you dead!
All looks normal from the outside in and inside is so dark and numb that you have no clue. But time heals and the light comes in... Opportunities come and things change...
By now there is one thing you have learned: never need anyone, never ask, never expect and when you start wanting more, you know its time to move away and move on... Like this you know you will not be hurt and you safe within that new protection - that is the game!
So how do we change those bad but essential mechanisms of protection and survival?
You tell yourself things can be different that you deserve to have it for real... And you do, I did!
I started waking up and realising I could live.
I gave a chance and it was hard work and it did not work but it was worth the experience... As time goes by, you learn to trust and give chances... And they are all valuable for the enrichment of the soul. Not always works, but we try and no hard feelings...
On the way even within the hurt, we start realising that it doesn't destroy you because you are more than that, we know we will be ok. We learn to trust and have faith, to feel more comfortable with who we are and with walking the walk.
Until one day we find the one! The one who 'sees' you! And you 'see' him! Who you can only 'be', with no pretense, no false image... Where no arguments are needed when thoughts are shared and spooky moments are part of daily life. But someone like this, as I call my one, not a soul mate but in fact, a soul twin comes at a price! For both!
Is hard work living full time with your soul twin, the image of the self, and the image of the shadow! Every day is a challenge and every day is a discovery...
Yes having a mirror where you start projecting, exploring transferences and countertransferences is a life of self-therapy, self-reflection and self-discovery but as well its a place of full exposure! The level of soul nudity is beyond any physical one... How do you live when you can not hide?
I live like that! Luckily I am a therapist myself and so I do understand a lot of what is going on and I give myself time to reflect, explore and talk about it... But digesting it can take time... And seeing the outcome of change is not always as easy or as quick as one would like... Just like those moments of stuckness I have with my clients... Change is difficult when one is comfortable with what is even when we don't like it or agree with it...
The hardest is the acceptance of the love and that unique acceptance that comes from someone who loves the 'all' that you are! That experience freaks me out! So much so I live rejecting that and pushing it way... Maybe so I eventually prove that the part of myself that lies to me is right, that I am not loveable and in fact, I am a horrible person! A cruel person!
Strange what we do to ourselves... I am aware and still is not easy to find the way out.
To be real! I am today and I am happy and content with who I am. I know I can be nice as much as I know I can be ugly and that is ok. I have a good sense of who I am and what I am about... I accept myself and love myself, but for a natural independent person who has issues with neediness, dependence and trust accepting it from others is still an issue I am working on.
So this is the answer for the "to be or not to be?" always at all times just Be! In my case ME ! 😀 x
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