"An orphan is a child permanently bereaved of or abandoned by his or her parents."
Orphan...
Funny how when you least expect life hits you with something big on your face or better on your heart or tummy... yesterday was one of those days for me.
I went to a workshop and met there a friend who I knew had lost his dad recently, so as I am checking on how he is coping he says:"I am ok... is a process you know... he was 82 and frail... but you know what? It feels really strange! I am an Orphan now!" and moved away to go to the loo before we started...
I was left with a big Bang in my heart, my tummy crumbled for a moment. Orphan, I had never heard an adult saying that, becoming an orphan... and I then realised I never felt that when any of my family went because I have felt an orphan all my life!
But what does it mean becoming alone without mum and dad as an adult? To realise that they will never be there anymore, the people that was always there for you even with all the issues that all families have. How does that really feel, I wonder... alone... unprotected maybe even unsafe... who will you rely on? Your partner, your child, your closest friend? But will they ever take the place of the unconditional acceptance, love that only a parent can and should have? What do you do with the inner child in you? Were you still very attached to them or had you really grown up and cut most of the cords that kept that dependence? Were you in peace with them or were you angry? Do you know you will be ok? Because you will be ok, that I know... time will heal 😊
It is difficult to imagine life without who we love, the physical presence or simple the knowing they are there for you on the other side of a phone, in the end of a road... accepting to let go of that is part of the lessons we all have to go through here on earth. For the only reality about living is that one day we will die too, there is no turning back or way of avoiding it, it is what it is and we all know that. The circle of life. Birth to death; light to darkness; beginnings and endings...
I never really thought of this word and my own story but realising the impact of it made me want to acknowledge it as part of me. I was an orphan from the age 7months realising recently it was in fact 14months, but not because my parents died but because they gave me away to a member of the family so I would have a 'better' life! I felt rejected and unloved! Why, all my life I asked that, why did they give me away and keep my older brother? I was jealous of him and not because he had a good life but because he had mum and dad! I did reconise I had a better material life, my parents were poor and my brother ended up stopping school age 14 and got a job. But he had our mothers love, I had an authoritarian, disturbed, frustrated and angry mother figure! One that was incapable of showing physical love or recognition but who would buy you things, take you out and expect you to be her forever companion... I was in touch with my parents and loved my brother but I always refereed to them as his mum and dad. :) I still remember how many times my brother would be saying 'our!' but I would not have it! For me they were not my parents! They were like simply close family members.
I grown up feeling alone, different, rejected, not good enough for my parents and not good enough for one of my carers. Her husband loved me as a dad and I thank him for being the one who kept it real for me but as I grew up I resented him for he was too weak to save me...
My father died when I was 16 and my mother ended up having a stroke age 50 and not being able to talk again... I know she loved me and she did it all for my best but all my life I rejected her so much... I came to be in peace with her at the time of the stroke but it just reinforced it all, she was never there for me... not ever! And the answers I wished to have they will never be... that is one of the big realizations of the Orphan, the not being able to understand what was, not having a picture of what was before him. We can all have ideas but not having parents leaves you with no one to ask who you are why that happen, etc. The sense of self is not there mirrored to you! You will have to find it all by yourself, alone and scared... you will have the face the world to find who you are in you!
Very touching sharing... Thank you! <3 x
ReplyDeleteThanks Justin, very therapeutic exploring our inner selves ;) x
ReplyDeleteHi MC, I admire your courage for writing so openly about your experiences and your feelings. Your post reminds me a lot of one of Caroline Myss's books. Sacred Contracts. It talks about the big archetypes in our life that define how we feel, how we interact, and how we react.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure she has an orphan child in there and I think it would be really interesting for you to map out your "archetype wheel". If you're interested let me know and we can talk about it????
I have a longer description of her book on my blog (on the my faves page). Just on my way out now so I can't go into more detail on this now. It is really interesting though as a healing and understanding tool. The fact that you've had this realisation is huge, it means you're ready to deal with it an move on =)
Love and Light,
Geena
Thanks Geena, yes very powerful book 'Sacred Contracts' I did the journey of reading it last August on holiday and did the wheel on a calm afternoon... I can't remember if I had the Orphan child or not but I do remember been quite taken by how accurate it was specially where my 'damn' saboteur is! ;) x
DeleteAs for the moving on, I think I have. I am in peace with it all or at least more in peace :) this was about owning it up.
PS: will look for your page...
Love and light to you too, MC ;) x
One of the things that occurred to me while reading this is how 'unfulfilled' we often feel if we don't have the approval/companionship/relationship of others. For example, we often come across people who are single, and don't feel fulfilled unless they are in a relationship. Yet, we also come across many people who, once in that 'perfect' relationship, discover that the relationship is not nearly so fulfilling as they had anticipated. So the point is this: whatever form of relationship that we seek fulfillment from, they are all going to fall short, in my opinion, until we are able to discover a deeper degree of 'self' fulfillment. Until that moment occurs, we will in all likelihood continue in some form of frustration and sense of being unhappy and unfulfilled. I don't mean to minimize what we go through in the meantime. Your experience comes across as quite painful, and for good reasons. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts :) I agree with the need to stop looking elsewhere for love, reassurance, acceptance, etc... I know I spent a good part of my life as I was looking to find myself, doing more then I needed to be liked or accepted by people. Today I like to share my experiences and my journey because I know so many of us are still there lost, like I once was. :) I am glad I found myself and I am who am, not for the pleasure of anyone! If I give any that is a bonus ;)
DeleteBut I hear what you saying about finding the 'perfect' relationship and finding it at times still unfulfilling... that just shows that there is always something to be improved in us, and that is what life is for :) xxx
these inner excavations reveal so much to us and often teach us so much about patterns we've carried forward as a result of our early experiences. Your transparency is brave in this post, brave because in order to meet up with these experiences we often have to walk through the pain all over again to find reconciliation and understanding of ourselves on the other side. The theme that strikes me most in this lovely post is one of separation... separation in this case of the love of your parents, separation again from love with your female caregiver. And it mirrors for me the separation most of us feel from something higher than ourselves, call it God, our higher self, the universe, whatever term is most comfortable.
ReplyDeleteThanks Joanne for your insightful share :) yes separation!...
DeleteVery cool info, thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou very welcome Kelly :) please feel free to read more post and comment. Thank you x
ReplyDelete