Too vulnerable to wear a mask

As therapists, we are told in our training that we will get the clients we need. That we can only take our clients as far as we have been prepared to go. That the power is in the relationship. That we can learn lots from our clients. That it can take over a year for the real therapy to start (meaning to go deeper and for the client to trust us with the deep stuff). That when you feel really stuck with you client, and the water is extra muddy it is because you are on the edge of a breakthrough, be patient! 

In over a decade of being a therapist I never stop being amazed at how true all this is. How much my quick reflections and mirroring back, and the connections from behavior to past experiences, shows so much. How their changes changes me. How the dance in therapy is a mutual dance and not at all a lonely one. At least not in my approach.

Last week I found myself reflecting on the struggles of a client wearing her mask in the room with me. (She wears a mask at her work, so she is used to it). And she said: “It is so strange to be this vulnerable behind the mask!” I quickly connected that comment to her own story, and I know we touched something there. 

But this statement was too big to be ignored, or just attributed to her. I felt in so many ways she was connecting with something bigger, she was identifying the bigger community issues of wearing masks! 

This made me think: is this why some people refuse to want to wear a mask? Are they too vulnerable? And I think they are. We all have been vulnerable in our lives. And we have created masks to wear in the world, some bigger than others, not even aware of this. These masks are there to hide our fears, vulnerability, and the dark sides of ourselves we are having trouble accepting. 

The refusal to wear a mask has been connected with narcissism, and that is not surprising as thease are people who suffer from self hate, self dislike, low self esteem and self worth. But most likely they were also called special, and capable of anything. The two things did not go along so they went on acepting the mask of being special and wonderful, but also incapable of resonating or empathising with others, and deepl inside feeling bad. They became experts on being the center of attention. They are able to be charmers and atract caring and vulnerable people to their side, people they then treat badly and with no respect – making those others experience what they are feeling inside.

They become specialists in making others vulnerable, so it matches their own inner vulnerability, which they have to hide. So wearing a physical mask unconsciously becomes an admission of vulnerability. Something they can’t admit.

Here we are at the beginning of a new year, and I know what we all desire at this time of the year: New me, a new diet, new resolutions, a new set of future plans, let's set goals, let's be determined, etc!

We all also know where typically all that ends up... in the trash, in the 'giving up basket'. So why we do it?

Why do we get so geared up at this time of the year? For most of us, it is the worse time of the year to have any motivation to be outside for example, with darker days and the cold and miserable weather! 

But we do it, and we do it because we all have this inner need to fail! Really, we do! Either failure or pain! Because let's be realistic: The ones who succeed have mostly done it through a serious determination that gave them some level of pain and discomfort.

I read somewhere we can be addicted to trauma, and it made me think: Yes we can! We can indeed be addicted to being victims, to failure, pain, misery, etc. This is what I talk about to my clients as preferring to be in a dirty nappy then having it changed because the dirty nappy has now become warm, cozy and one gets used to that as normal. So the idea of changing into a clean, cold nappy and the process of it can be uncomfortable for some babies. 

Society and parenting feeds us with so much of this:  No pain, no gain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Pain and suffering are part of human existence. You have to suffer for your looks. We are all sinners - beliefs that bring up guilt, shame, and all sorts of issues over being born evil.  We have to suffer for our redemption. So much more can be added here, but you get the picture and I am sure you have some of your own to be added here.

The big issue with all this is that these beliefs make us powerless and with the illusion of having no choice. It takes us back to the child position where the trauma happened. The trauma that inflicted pain and carries on being relived almost as out of respect and in fact loyalty to our parents/carers who we love no matter what and who as a child we had to keep as 'good' and therefore as a consequence we as 'bad'. 

But are we really this powerless? Do we really have no choice? What if I tell you we do! It might not be easy to claim it or even to trust that the answer to the healing we need is indeed in us, but it is! The power is in you and me! The choice is ours! The power is our spirit/soul connection and in the changes which we implement slowly in retraining our mind. The mind that has learned all these lies and believes they are truths and therefore they become our reality.

I am not saying setting goals is wrong, if that suits you. But look deeper into why you need them. And look even deeper into how you are planning to achieve them. 

Every time I see someone going through serious pain – exercising for example – I see self-punishment. I see a lack of self-acceptance and self-love in all the restrictive diets people have their bodies go through. Does anyone really like that pain? And does getting fitter, healthier, slimmer really need to mean pain and restrictions, depriving oneself of the simple pleasures of life, like food? No!

So where I am going here? 

I want you to consider wishing for a better version of yourself, a more whole, healed, happier person. I want you to wish for that career, job change, retraining, promotion, the type of relationships that are healthy, loving, and with space for mutual growth and set your serious intention in achieving it. I want you to make the right choices to achieve it, not wait on your sofa for it magically to happen. 

I want you to see them as potentials but not goals. When we focus on goals we are focusing on the future and putting too much emphasis and expectations on achieving that. As if one can only become happy when they get into that dress size or get that job, or have that relationship. But it should not be like that! One has to enjoy the journey of getting to where we want, as pain-free as possible.

But I mostly want you to be kind and work deeply on your self-acceptance, on the acceptance of your past and your story. I want you to learn to know yourself, to understand who you are and why you are this way. I want you to reflect on your actions, reactions, interactions, life choices in the past and present, friend choices, partner choices, and so on. 

I want you to analyze your thoughts and beliefs, and ask yourself what is really yours, what has been adopted from others, what serves you, and what doesn't. Here I want you to be ruthless in making new choices! I want you to only carry on with the thoughts that are kind and uplifting and productive for you, that you truly believe in. 

I want you to learn to set boundaries and say no's. Lots of no's to all the people who take you for granted with no respect. Rethink all your past and present choices, but don't feel guilty or regret over them if they were not healthy for you. Look back with kindness and unconditional love towards yourself, you did not know any better! But you can now! 

So open your eyes, heal, change your mindset. And don't feel you are alone, you are not! Don't feel like an outsider or weird and don't hesitate in asking for help, for guidance, for support. Read the books that speak to you, listen to voices that resonate, go for therapy (all great self investments). Set yourself free!

So this new year where we are again asked to stop or slow down, when 'in' is the new 'out', stop focusing on your image, your external achievements, the size of your waist, the salary of your new job, the success of the new business or career! The fact it feels like we are wasting so much time... And go in, within, and reflect deeper! Heal deeper! 2020 gave us this opportunity but most of us struggled with adapting. Now we are tired of it all but it is not the time to be out, the time is still to be in! After that inner work comes the answers, the creativity, the rebirth, the new stronger whole you! And then is when this 'me' time, this isolation, will no longer be seen as a waste of time but seen as the best time.

Remember the world might be very chaotic, and messed up, and fearful and untrusting. But this world does not exist alone, we are part of it and it represents and reflects our own issues within ourselves and with our own relationships, the anger, the trauma, the defense mechanisms, etc. So is too big of a task to think of fixing the world but we can 'fix' ourselves and our own worlds, like the close relationships we have with family and friends. 

With self-healing, comes understanding and with choices comes ownership and responsibility. When most of us reach this stage, this self-awareness, then the world will also heal. That is the true awakening we are looking for! True awaking comes from a self-awareness of our shit, not pointing fingers at others and blame of others for our own circumstances. We are not innocent children any longer with no choice! We are adults, with inner powers bigger than we imagine. We are gods, co-creators of this reality. Create a healthy inner reality and be part of co-creating an amazing new world for us all.

Emptiness - The start of a new year maybe even a era

                                                     Formation of emptiness by lora-zombie on DeviantArt

A hole in soul.   www.instagram.com/lorazombie Formation of emptiness

Emptiness. Let's reflect on this... as humans, we all have experienced it. That feeling inside of something missing... Sometimes misread as hunger making us overeat, drink, smoke, etc. Sometimes making us feel depressed or even anxious, with this sense that something is missing, something is not right or that we are not right.

But what is it? Many things, and all mostly related to our upbringing, our main carer(s),  the healthy mirror we got or not, the nourishment (physical and emotional), and attachment issues we developed then. All this will lead us to make life choices that might not suit us or be healthy for us. All these are issues, behaviours and beliefs worth exploring, and understood in therapy, so you can ask yourself: Do I agree with this? And if not, maybe it’s time to choose something different?

Someone finds themselves in a job with no meaning, so when they pay the bills, for example, they feel no sense of purpose in doing so. Feel unhappy, wasting their lives with no passion or spark.  Do you recognise it? Have you felt like that? 

First of all, we have misinterpreted the word ‘emptiness’. The feeling of emptiness doesn't necessarily mean lack! It is our nature to fill up gaps and empty spaces, as it is in Nature. But we are doing it wrong!

In Nature, an empty ground or let's say an area that just had a fire and is all destroyed is seen by us as dead and/or empty. There is nothing there! We feel driven to bring things in to bring life back, to make it acceptable, pretty, etc. But the true reality is that empty ground doesn't need anything! Nature in itself has it all and, given time, within that burned soil there will be life restarting, and soon Nature will take over.

Yes, my dears, so will that 'empty space' of yours! The issue here is we have this expectation that we have to have a purpose, find happiness, be fulfilled, successful, etc and we forget the most important thing is to connect with our true nature: Soul! 

Soul has it all! All the potential for healing, happiness, fulfilment, etc. And all we need is to invite it in to fill that space! Trust me, when you connect with your soul that is our essence you connect with the Divine in you. You will never be empty or alone and you will find the guidance you need to find the life you should be living for yourself.

What we see as empty is not empty at all, ever. Look at a black hole. It looks like pure emptiness but we know it is everything. 

We are exactly that. We are nothing, with the inner potential of becoming anything and everything! This understanding and consciousness is called by Buddhists ‘Enlightenment’. I am no Buddhist and I don't meditate for hours on end sitting under a cherry tree but I have experienced it, similar to the experience of near-death for some, and this was indeed the purest, most beautiful experience/consciousness I have ever encounter.

So when you feel that emptiness, don't try to fill it up. Let it be, stay with the feeling `— even the pain in silence — and go within, go as deep as you can go and invite soul, invite the spirit, invite guidance. Sooner or later it will come and you will create! You will create solutions and you will find the answers to your questions.

We are living in an era where society has been fighting boredom within childhood and I believe this is having some consequences to all the new generations after the ones like me who had to cope with being bored alone! 

You see, a child these days says he is bored and he is given a game to play, a class to go to, a film, a mobile, etc. In my time we had to invent, create a way to entertain ourselves with anything or nothing, sometimes by even creating imaginary friends to play with. 

Creativity is our connection with our Divinity! We dream it, imagine it and therefore create it. Just like the Divine created and creates everything. Let's not forget we have been created in its image. All artists know this and talk about the creative flow being like as the purest channel of Divinity: their true selves. One reason most artists don’t like their own creations is that they are all images of the creator (themselves) and we struggle with our reflection, due to all the issues we have with self-love and self-acceptance.

So next time you feel that emptiness, don't try to fill it up by doing things (or with things themselves). Instead, reflect on it, get help to explore it, go within and invite your true self — soul — to come and fill it and express itself as the wonderful being you are!

So today, as it is the first day of the year, it can be seen as an empty day to set intentions, to dream, to wish what will become a reality, your creation. Remember you create your reality based on your fears, beliefs and past experiences. You have a choice to change from fear to trust: you can check if your beliefs are yours and if they are healthy for you; you can look at your past experiences and choose to leave them in your past. By doing so you will be creating a new reality in your present life, surely a much more positive, healthy and happy life. One not based on achievements or life positions but based on a sense of self that will fill you up with great self-esteem and self-worth, from within. 

Let's make this New Year a new start where we go back to basics and what really matters! I believe 2020 gave us the biggest opportunity of boredom and as a consequence, I am seeing so much creativity appearing in our community that I am hopeful this can be a great start. Let's not lose the momentum and instead let's carry on this wave of creative reinvention, unity, compassion, respect and love. 

Namaste, Maria x