Too vulnerable to wear a mask

As therapists, we are told in our training that we will get the clients we need. That we can only take our clients as far as we have been prepared to go. That the power is in the relationship. That we can learn lots from our clients. That it can take over a year for the real therapy to start (meaning to go deeper and for the client to trust us with the deep stuff). That when you feel really stuck with you client, and the water is extra muddy it is because you are on the edge of a breakthrough, be patient! 

In over a decade of being a therapist I never stop being amazed at how true all this is. How much my quick reflections and mirroring back, and the connections from behavior to past experiences, shows so much. How their changes changes me. How the dance in therapy is a mutual dance and not at all a lonely one. At least not in my approach.

Last week I found myself reflecting on the struggles of a client wearing her mask in the room with me. (She wears a mask at her work, so she is used to it). And she said: “It is so strange to be this vulnerable behind the mask!” I quickly connected that comment to her own story, and I know we touched something there. 

But this statement was too big to be ignored, or just attributed to her. I felt in so many ways she was connecting with something bigger, she was identifying the bigger community issues of wearing masks! 

This made me think: is this why some people refuse to want to wear a mask? Are they too vulnerable? And I think they are. We all have been vulnerable in our lives. And we have created masks to wear in the world, some bigger than others, not even aware of this. These masks are there to hide our fears, vulnerability, and the dark sides of ourselves we are having trouble accepting. 

The refusal to wear a mask has been connected with narcissism, and that is not surprising as thease are people who suffer from self hate, self dislike, low self esteem and self worth. But most likely they were also called special, and capable of anything. The two things did not go along so they went on acepting the mask of being special and wonderful, but also incapable of resonating or empathising with others, and deepl inside feeling bad. They became experts on being the center of attention. They are able to be charmers and atract caring and vulnerable people to their side, people they then treat badly and with no respect – making those others experience what they are feeling inside.

They become specialists in making others vulnerable, so it matches their own inner vulnerability, which they have to hide. So wearing a physical mask unconsciously becomes an admission of vulnerability. Something they can’t admit.