Here we are at the beginning of a new year, and I know what we all desire at this time of the year: New me, a new diet, new resolutions, a new set of future plans, let's set goals, let's be determined, etc!

We all also know where typically all that ends up... in the trash, in the 'giving up basket'. So why we do it?

Why do we get so geared up at this time of the year? For most of us, it is the worse time of the year to have any motivation to be outside for example, with darker days and the cold and miserable weather! 

But we do it, and we do it because we all have this inner need to fail! Really, we do! Either failure or pain! Because let's be realistic: The ones who succeed have mostly done it through a serious determination that gave them some level of pain and discomfort.

I read somewhere we can be addicted to trauma, and it made me think: Yes we can! We can indeed be addicted to being victims, to failure, pain, misery, etc. This is what I talk about to my clients as preferring to be in a dirty nappy then having it changed because the dirty nappy has now become warm, cozy and one gets used to that as normal. So the idea of changing into a clean, cold nappy and the process of it can be uncomfortable for some babies. 

Society and parenting feeds us with so much of this:  No pain, no gain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Pain and suffering are part of human existence. You have to suffer for your looks. We are all sinners - beliefs that bring up guilt, shame, and all sorts of issues over being born evil.  We have to suffer for our redemption. So much more can be added here, but you get the picture and I am sure you have some of your own to be added here.

The big issue with all this is that these beliefs make us powerless and with the illusion of having no choice. It takes us back to the child position where the trauma happened. The trauma that inflicted pain and carries on being relived almost as out of respect and in fact loyalty to our parents/carers who we love no matter what and who as a child we had to keep as 'good' and therefore as a consequence we as 'bad'. 

But are we really this powerless? Do we really have no choice? What if I tell you we do! It might not be easy to claim it or even to trust that the answer to the healing we need is indeed in us, but it is! The power is in you and me! The choice is ours! The power is our spirit/soul connection and in the changes which we implement slowly in retraining our mind. The mind that has learned all these lies and believes they are truths and therefore they become our reality.

I am not saying setting goals is wrong, if that suits you. But look deeper into why you need them. And look even deeper into how you are planning to achieve them. 

Every time I see someone going through serious pain – exercising for example – I see self-punishment. I see a lack of self-acceptance and self-love in all the restrictive diets people have their bodies go through. Does anyone really like that pain? And does getting fitter, healthier, slimmer really need to mean pain and restrictions, depriving oneself of the simple pleasures of life, like food? No!

So where I am going here? 

I want you to consider wishing for a better version of yourself, a more whole, healed, happier person. I want you to wish for that career, job change, retraining, promotion, the type of relationships that are healthy, loving, and with space for mutual growth and set your serious intention in achieving it. I want you to make the right choices to achieve it, not wait on your sofa for it magically to happen. 

I want you to see them as potentials but not goals. When we focus on goals we are focusing on the future and putting too much emphasis and expectations on achieving that. As if one can only become happy when they get into that dress size or get that job, or have that relationship. But it should not be like that! One has to enjoy the journey of getting to where we want, as pain-free as possible.

But I mostly want you to be kind and work deeply on your self-acceptance, on the acceptance of your past and your story. I want you to learn to know yourself, to understand who you are and why you are this way. I want you to reflect on your actions, reactions, interactions, life choices in the past and present, friend choices, partner choices, and so on. 

I want you to analyze your thoughts and beliefs, and ask yourself what is really yours, what has been adopted from others, what serves you, and what doesn't. Here I want you to be ruthless in making new choices! I want you to only carry on with the thoughts that are kind and uplifting and productive for you, that you truly believe in. 

I want you to learn to set boundaries and say no's. Lots of no's to all the people who take you for granted with no respect. Rethink all your past and present choices, but don't feel guilty or regret over them if they were not healthy for you. Look back with kindness and unconditional love towards yourself, you did not know any better! But you can now! 

So open your eyes, heal, change your mindset. And don't feel you are alone, you are not! Don't feel like an outsider or weird and don't hesitate in asking for help, for guidance, for support. Read the books that speak to you, listen to voices that resonate, go for therapy (all great self investments). Set yourself free!

So this new year where we are again asked to stop or slow down, when 'in' is the new 'out', stop focusing on your image, your external achievements, the size of your waist, the salary of your new job, the success of the new business or career! The fact it feels like we are wasting so much time... And go in, within, and reflect deeper! Heal deeper! 2020 gave us this opportunity but most of us struggled with adapting. Now we are tired of it all but it is not the time to be out, the time is still to be in! After that inner work comes the answers, the creativity, the rebirth, the new stronger whole you! And then is when this 'me' time, this isolation, will no longer be seen as a waste of time but seen as the best time.

Remember the world might be very chaotic, and messed up, and fearful and untrusting. But this world does not exist alone, we are part of it and it represents and reflects our own issues within ourselves and with our own relationships, the anger, the trauma, the defense mechanisms, etc. So is too big of a task to think of fixing the world but we can 'fix' ourselves and our own worlds, like the close relationships we have with family and friends. 

With self-healing, comes understanding and with choices comes ownership and responsibility. When most of us reach this stage, this self-awareness, then the world will also heal. That is the true awakening we are looking for! True awaking comes from a self-awareness of our shit, not pointing fingers at others and blame of others for our own circumstances. We are not innocent children any longer with no choice! We are adults, with inner powers bigger than we imagine. We are gods, co-creators of this reality. Create a healthy inner reality and be part of co-creating an amazing new world for us all.