Full Circle - more self exploration...

Full Circle by Sally Hepler

Sometimes life is just like this we go in circles and sometimes we go in cycles, like seasons...

I tend to have cycles and the number 7 sounds familiar and important to me.

I was 7 months when I was given away (turns out it might have been 14 but that is still 2x7).

Possibly the hardest time in my life was after the age 14 to 21 where all big things happened and life took me to an edge but as well it was when I found my inner strength, my faith and I realised I was and I am a survivor.

Age 21 I moved country, ran away and my self-discovery started even though for years I was lost without knowing any better.

Around age 28 Spirituality started making sense and my sense of self was growing. I believed and trusted in reasons for things, I become part of a development group and I did my Healing training with the NHFS, I turned my life around moving to a new area and started things again... and then I became a mum! 😀💕

Then after 35, I thought it was time for me to do something new, and I started studying and became a qualified counsellor, met my soul twin and have matured and haven't stopped doing self-reflection and getting to know the real me, with this - acceptance have been one of the big parts of this journey.

42 become a continuity of this but my healing gift started taking more of a part in my life and I started running a small healing/mediation group that in fact it is a development group but I never called it that. We just a few and we meet once a month but I value immensely the energy and I feel blessed as well as overwhelmed sometimes with the quality and intensity of it. Thank you, Universe!

Now, 44 we are coming to the 'full circle'! Be careful what you ask! Yes as a teenager I asked to be able to help people, to make a difference.  Possibly my own need to be special and seen as special, my need to be recognized. Something I was not getting! I needed to know and trust that there was a purpose, a purpose for the pain, the emptiness, and the rejection. Otherwise why baring it? What for? Who for?

As a young adult, I started being told by psychics: 'you could be doing what I do', 'you have a gift' but I never really believed it - plus what they did never really attracted me. What I wanted to do with my life was always one of my big mysteries, as was what I wanted from it. Easy to say what I didn't want but never what I wanted. I did so many jobs and tried so many things...

For over a year I have been feeling that I need to do something with all that I can do. I have been volunteering for so many years as a counsellor, and that is great as it has been an amazing experience to be able to help people find themselves and understand who they are. Going on journeys with them is simply great but I wish I could use my healing with it. I just used it with people I know or who ask about it and I feel its time to use it more.

You see that is why I call it full circle - because really what I was given, by asking to be able to touch people, is who I am. And the gift of healing that can come out in many forms, which may be hands-on, absent healing, intention, my listening skills, my empathy or my unconditional love. But a part of me has been running from some of it, especially after my NFSH courses and an overwhelming experience I had giving healing to someone.

Accepting that I might have a gift of healing and able to channel energy that might be able to help someone, which might be physically or at other levels, has been quite hard to embrace. The responsibility was too big to handle. There are always many layers to any issues, and for me, the excuses were that I was young, that people would not take me seriously, that I couldn't charge because it is a gift, etc. But now when I look back I can see that the main issue was and is to accept the 'good' in me - my shadow. (See my other post on the shadow in this blog).

So instead I took time off :) and went to do a few important things... some karmic relationships, some more self-discovery, a daughter! And then I thought that I still really want to do something that will 'touch' people so I found Counseling and - because I studied for it - I felt I could be paid for it.

Now I feel I am back there, where I was - just not so young (no more excuses), and taking myself more seriously and believing more in me. So that should make people see me in a different way for all comes from within 😊 I am ready! Or so I say and want to believe but still a scary cat and an avoider! The difference is that I know I cannot run, and so I am putting myself out there more and paying more attention and hoping doors will open...

Writing this is for my benefit - it is like therapy to me, I am shouting loud so I can hear myself!
   

The Shadow and the darkness of the Soul

Hi to all... been a while... not sure why but brain kind of gone blank with so much inner work 😀


Full circle... if feels I have come around full circle from where I once was to where I am now... but that will be my next post, for now, I want to talk about the Shadow, the darkness of the Soul.

As I have talked before here about day and night, death and life, all these opposite polarities fascinate me and have become a big reality of my own life for some time.

I once too, and for a long time, have played the 'good' girl, the 'good' friend, the 'good' lover... this, I thought, was what was expected of me and that to be liked, accepted and loved I had to fit in and be what was expected of me. With time I realised that is only an illusion created by the lack of self-esteem, self-belief and above all the sense of 'self' we all need to have to be able to live and feel grounded and accepted in the life we once chose to have and the lessons we need to conquer.

The sense of self, I hear you wondering what is that? That is the knowledge of who you really are, what you are about and where you belong, and is a sense of self-acceptance. Unfortunately, lots of us did not have a good enough parent to mirror this to us, so we have to search it all by ourselves.

As we grow up we need to feel accepted, feel loved unconditionally and know where we belong -  where is our place, whatever that is. This is the tribal energy Caroline Myss talks about in so many of her books, the grounding energy, the belonging, the sense of who we are: the sense of self.

When we don't have this we move up to the next level of development wishing to find this in others. We hope that others will give us this: the love, the acceptance we don't have of ourselves - for we have not been shown what that is. Or we will be doing things or achieving things, that will give us this sense of gratification and therefore a sense of happiness and self-worth. Big mistake! For even though all this might give you the gratification, the happiness and the self-belief it will only be temporary! It will not last. And like a drug you will become addicted to doing more and more, instead of addressing what is lacking inside. For all that we ever look for, unless we find it within us, we have not found it. It will only be a temporary illusion.

So now you are thinking, yes that is all very nice and even very true - but if I don't have that sense of self or self-belief, how do I get it?

Umm, how do we get it...? In my experience it is a journey that starts by looking at ourselves fully naked: spiritually and emotionally and, yes, physically too, as we all have issues in liking and accepting who we are and how we look. It is a journey of self-awareness and total acceptance, with our own resistance of course because there will never be an easy way.

Here is where the Shadow comes in. We all grew up being scared of 'evil' and 'dark' and 'bad'. But what I realised over the years is that all of that needs to be embraced within us. For we are not only good or bad - we're both! God, the universe, the source - whatever you might want to call it - is everything, and so are we! The yin and yang, the negative and the positive, the good and the bad, the light and the shadow! So we need to accept that within us! When we look at ourselves that is what we will see and that is what we need to accept and love! For we are all unique loveable humans 😊

Society, and values from religions or families, have taught us to hide the darkness in us, to play the good girl/boy, son/daughter, so we have done that for far too long and that is physically and mentally unhealthy!

We are a society and a generation of angry people. Our parents' generations were angry and we are bringing up and creating future generations of more angry people - and you know what? That is ok! What is not ok - and that we have been told and we keep telling - is that anger is wrong! Anger is not wrong, not any more wrong than love is! I know you are shocked and wondering where I am going with this but it is simply because both are feelings! And as feelings they need to be expressed at the right time, they need to be digested and understood. Not avoided and bottled up or put in a box inside of the psyche. No, not at all. For when we do this we are not in control of it and at any moment it will come out and be misplaced. It will be acted out in relationships with others and essentially with ourselves and in various ways. Not just as outbursts but as a very hidden and typical way: passive aggression!

Another thing the Shadow does is it hides our vision of the true self. I mean, if we're angry for example with the injustice of the world and we misplace that anger and have a big outburst over some small injustice with a neighbour, we might end up hating ourselves for our outburst. We might even resent what we did and as a consequence forget to recognise that we are in fact quite a good neighbour - and that seeking justice can be a very valuable attribute when used adequately. This is very important to realise because the Shadow is not only made of the bad we don't want to see or accept. It is also made of the good we found hard to accept about ourselves because of the beliefs we have been fed as we grew up and still have as adults...        

I sense this is very engraved in our society and belief system and it is one of the most important things needing to be addressed. This is the Shadow, and what comes with the reconnection of its existence within us is what many call the Darkness of the Soul - that place where we face the reality that, as a soul having a physical experience, we are not only 'holy' and 'pure' and 'perfect'. For that is an illusion. In fact, perfection is exactly what it is and we are with all the imperfections and perfections we might find 😀

This comes with awareness, with recognising things like what makes you behave that way, what is it about someone else that is pressing on something in you. Be aware that most likely what you dislike in someone or something is something you dislike or do not accept in yourself or you are not even conscious about.   

I know these two are the hardest ones to swallow... but do your best, for it will be worth it when digested it and the nourishment for your body and soul will be immense.

The truth is perfection is in the here and now and nowhere else! For all that needs to be is here!
And that takes me to something else: the need to stop 'doing' and just 'be'.

We do NOT need to do anything - we just need to BE! 

So stop trying to do and allow yourself to simply be. And allow the ones around you the same.

I found that in therapy - in the beginning - I remember paying so much attention to whether I was doing the right things, saying the right things, etc... now I just allow myself to 'be', totally present within the room with my clients and trust. And you know what? It all simply flows and happens and 'is'.

It's all about the connection, the unconditional love and acceptance, the relationship... that is what makes it therapeutic and healing, that is what makes it safe and a place for change.
The same with parent and child, the connection needs to be there. The sense of unconditional love for the person, not the behaviour or the achievements is the most important thing. A child needs to feel she is accepted, loved for who she is - not what she does! No 'good boy or girl' for the behaviour or the actions can not make you good or bad. You simply are what you are.

I hope this gives you some food for thought and self-discovery. The most amazing lessons in life come's from self-exploration and understanding.

And at the end of the day - hours away from a solar eclipse where so many people are made to believe that the world is going to change forever - I believe we are changing not because the ETs are here, or that some magical event is happening, but because we are becoming more aware and conscious and therefore taking more responsibility. The kind of responsibility our parents were too scared in taking. :)
So yes let's make it a world like no other before...

Remember we can not change anyone else - only ourselves!  So changing the world is not in our hands but by changing ourselves a bit we will be affecting others. And those others will be affecting others - and like that we will change the world from within outwards. Again, expecting the world to change for us or wishing for explanations and fairness will not take us anywhere. Fairness comes from within. Are you fair to yourself? Do you see the real you? Have you learnt to be comfortable with what you see? Can you accept it even though you know there is space for improvement? Do you recognise your own good and are aware of that shadow so you can face it and be in control?  Be kind to yourself every day! This is a journey and a work in progress... it will never be totally finished to our standards 😉

Enjoy the ride !!

xxx     

"To be or not o be" a reflection on the 'Me'...

                                                                   "Essence of Me"

Photo from: http://randomdancingthoughts.blogspot.co.uk


8th May 2012

"To be or not to be" a reflection on the 'Me'

What is it first? The chicken or the egg? The 'me' today or the 'me' before? Am I today more true to my essence? Who was the 'me' before? The protection, the false self, the defence, the mechanism of survival? The creation of the Superego?

For years I have been aware a part of me has gone... A part that people use to identify as me. But was that the real me? I don't miss it!

"I found you the way you are" ... but I been thinking I become someone else since I been with you! Sometimes it feels like you bring out the worst in me?! But is this an illusion?

Maybe what the reality is, is that you bring out my shadow and you reflect my shadow so I can face it. And what I have become I haven't become - I am! 
I now have free my self of the pretend because of your unconditional love and acceptance!

Ok this big and heavy. Am I ready to go deep?

I am true to myself and others now, but was I before? I was, but as well there was a part of me that pretended to be what I thought others would like me to be. Sometimes that was a way of having attention, sometimes of feeling needed and value and sometimes a way of having power! Power, yes we use power to have control, and I always needed to be in control!

Romantic love for most of my life was not an option, either there was no interest from the other side or I was not interested or I was not allowed... Then when trauma came and blame and shame came about... When 'innocent' meant nothing and I found myself alone, empty and lost... Nothing had any meaning...

I found myself walking the streets alone, homeless and young... No bag, no money, no identity... Lost in my pain I found a friend who took me in... New life, new me... Survive I will for sure I knew and I did... But I was dead inside!

Take it from me, take it! Who cares? Innocence? What is that when you die? Feelings are luxury you not allowed to have when you dead inside, all becomes mechanical, and all works fine as long as you don't get attached or expect any more...

I learn the game, but I was saved, I did not belong there... Still, I run away dead inside and start my long journey of finding my self alive! The game kept me save for a time...

Walking the walk of life when you partly dead is quite a job but one you not aware because you don't know you dead!
All looks normal from the outside in and inside is so dark and numb that you have no clue. But time heals and the light comes in... Opportunities come and things change...
By now there is one thing you have learned: never need anyone, never ask, never expect and when you start wanting more, you know its time to move away and move on... Like this you know you will not be hurt and you safe within that new protection - that is the game!

So how do we change those bad but essential mechanisms of protection and survival?
You tell yourself things can be different that you deserve to have it for real... And you do, I did! 
I started waking up and realising I could live.

I gave a chance and it was hard work and it did not work but it was worth the experience... As time goes by, you learn to trust and give chances... And they are all valuable for the enrichment of the soul. Not always works, but we try and no hard feelings...

On the way even within the hurt, we start realising that it doesn't destroy you because you are more than that, we know we will be ok. We learn to trust and have faith, to feel more comfortable with who we are and with walking the walk.

Until one day we find the one! The one who 'sees' you! And you 'see' him! Who you can only 'be', with no pretense, no false image... Where no arguments are needed when thoughts are shared and spooky moments are part of daily life. But someone like this, as I call my one, not a soul mate but in fact, a soul twin comes at a price! For both!

Is hard work living full time with your soul twin, the image of the self, and the image of the shadow! Every day is a challenge and every day is a discovery...
Yes having a mirror where you start projecting, exploring transferences and countertransferences is a life of self-therapy, self-reflection and self-discovery but as well its a place of full exposure! The level of soul nudity is beyond any physical one... How do you live when you can not hide?

I live like that! Luckily I am a therapist myself and so I do understand a lot of what is going on and I give myself time to reflect, explore and talk about it... But digesting it can take time... And seeing the outcome of change is not always as easy or as quick as one would like... Just like those moments of stuckness I have with my clients... Change is difficult when one is comfortable with what is even when we don't like it or agree with it...

The hardest is the acceptance of the love and that unique acceptance that comes from someone who loves the 'all' that you are! That experience freaks me out! So much so I live rejecting that and pushing it way... Maybe so I eventually prove that the part of myself that lies to me is right, that I am not loveable and in fact, I am a horrible person! A cruel person!

Strange what we do to ourselves... I am aware and still is not easy to find the way out.

To be real! I am today and I am happy and content with who I am. I know I can be nice as much as I know I can be ugly and that is ok. I have a good sense of who I am and what I am about... I accept myself and love myself, but for a natural independent person who has issues with neediness, dependence and trust accepting it from others is still an issue I am working on.

So this is the answer for the "to be or not to be?" always at all times just Be! In my case ME ! 😀 x

The night of May 4th 2012 and my serious thoughts on it!

We need to question!

Photo of the moon by Joanne Rose, last night :)

So we are having a super moon today, and that sounds great. I know the moon can affect us women and something is really going on because the energy is pushing my inner self sideways and I feel frustrated and heavy and all things dark shades of grey just like our marvellous English weather at the moment...

But as usual when I feel this pulled I tend to try to explore what is going on... and today I realise I am annoyed with this 'new age' vibe that something really special is happening that we going to have this wonderful shift in consciousnesses in 21-12-12, but the one that is getting under my skin is the claim that today (5-5-12 or 5-5-5) is an amazing day!  See above picture.

When in fact it isn't!! Ok, it is like all other days and ok we are having an amazing moon up there in the sky that is the closest to the earth this year!  And in fact, a lot of wonderful people are planing great things in various corners of the globe, but that is it! No Planet alignments, no special meaning on the Mayan calendar! In fact, this is what the calendar says about today 5th May 2012:

From: http://www.azteccalendar.com/?day=5&month=5&year=2012
"The significance of this day: Day Itzcuintli (Dog) is governed by Mictlantecuhtli, God of Death, as its provider of tonalli (Shadow Soul) life energy. Itzcuintli is the guide for the dead, the spirit world's link with the living. Itzcuintli is a good day for funerals and wakes and remembering the dead. It is a good day for being trustworthy, a bad day for trusting others of questionable intent." What about that?

People decided to choose today of all days to make a mark in time and maybe history but just because they wanted to not because of any truthful external reason. And that is great!

That on the May the 5th a Hugging mission in Japan went on with over 500 people in a room, great! But to claim: 'The Dawn of a New Era! Dawn = To Become A New Day, as we are entering a new day of the world, May 5th is the BIG SHIFT day where the whole world will move into a new possibility for the future! We are here gathered here in Tokyo with 500 amazing humanitarians who are ready and willing to serve humanity in this amazing time. The Mystery School tradition has been waiting for 3000 years to celebrate this moment in time so we are excited to be here. It is a day of great news, news of a new world coming, so smile and have joy in your heart, the world is now going to change for the better! PEACE' 

Sorry but am not so sure... the intention is beautiful and I value that as much as I believe the fact that this happens with this intention, has and will affect thousands of people. Each of those 500 will touch other 500 or 1000 of people with their energy and their experience. So all that is valid.

Another one: May 5th we are gathering in Northern California at the Transformational Healing Center to spread light into our world. It's time to support change for the new, time to spread joy and love and dream of our bright and abundant futures.

Am sure I could find more but I feel no need, please don't take me wrong, I value and respect all these initiatives. I understand their value and their power but as well I question their intention and need to be selling us an illusion... 

Things like: 'The answer is… December 21, 2012.'  'The start of the Age of Aquarius is December 21, 2012. There is a galactic alignment coming, our DNA will be changing for the better, and things are going to get better.'  wow really? Who says so?

When in fact from http://www.nasa.gov/topics/earth/features/2012.html

"Q: Could phenomena occur where planets align in a way that impacts Earth?
A: There are no planetary alignments in the next few decades, Earth will not cross the galactic plane in 2012, and even if these alignments were to occur, their effects on the Earth would be negligible. Each December the Earth and sun align with the approximate centre of the Milky Way Galaxy but that is an annual event of no consequence.
Q): Are there any threats to the Earth in 2012? Many Internet websites say the world will end in December 2012.
(A): Nothing bad will happen to the Earth in 2012. Our planet has been getting along just fine for more than 4 billion years, and credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012.
Q: Does the Mayan calendar end in December 2012?
A: Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period but then -- just as your calendar begins again on January 1 -- another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar."

And from http://www.archiedunlop.com/2010/04/26/when-does-the-age-of-aquarius-start/

"(...) Age of Pisces started at the beginning of the Third Century AD – I make it around AD 228.  This means that the Age of Aquarius doesn’t start until AD 2376, which isn’t for another 366 years."
(This post is from 2010 now is at least 364 years)
"(...) And of course, both Christianity and Islam put a high premium on martyrdom.  That’s a very Piscean concept, sacrificing one’s life for the sake of a high purpose.
Yet some people would say that Christianity is running out of steam, at least in North America and Western Europe.  Isn’t this a sign that the Age of Pisces is coming to an end, that the Age of Aquarius is just round the corner?
However, if you look at some of the ‘new age’ replacements for Christianity, they embody many of the features of the sign Pisces.  Fuzzy and chaotic thinking, and the embracing of new and old fads without asking too many questions.  Crystal healing, channelling, dancing with nature, it’s all part of the Age of Pisces experience."
And surprise, surprise for some:
"It should also be said that the new age movement has got very little to do with the sign Aquarius.  After all, Aquarius is a tough sign, that’s ruled by Saturn.  It’s also a sign that’s rational, that puts the head before the heart."

So where I am going with this? I just want to make a point, to show that we should not take things at their face value! We are here to explore and question not just to accept just because everyone else is.

We need to let go of this need in believing that all will be wonderful... that we become saved of our sins and get eternal life after we die or now some cosmic thing is going to happen and we all will find enlightenment, love, peace forever on earth... What is this? We rejecting religion that puts Heaven up there, in the afterlife, the future and we now want to bring it here to earth, the present the life?

Again don't think I don't believe that this is possible, for it is and it is already here!! In our minds and in our lives, every day of every year of our own lives we live in hell or in heaven, for all that is not a place but it is a spiritual consciousness.
One religion sells us heaven after earth now we been sold that heaven is going to be here on earth... has if? Come on hell and heaven is in us!! In our conscious and the reality we create for ourselves!

"According to Swedenborg, heaven and hell are not merely places but spiritual states. We do not “go there” when we die. We are already there. By choosing a life of goodwill and devotion, we build a heaven in our hearts".

I think we get confused here with what real spirituality is and for that, I will share this:

Defining spirituality from a personal perspective:

Spirituality to me is found within. Is when you stop looking elsewhere, in places or people. Is when you stop, look and listen. It comes from a place of trust, faith, openness and it might be awakened in a moment of despair in life.

Now very important what spirituality is not is this idea that when you have it, when you find it, when you join in all will be magical and bliss and enlightenment is there at you reach.

Spirituality is growth; patience; work; pain; facing fear; learning to trust; live in the present; accept our shadow!; face our own demons!

Real spirituality is facing the darkness that is in all of us! Not pretend that we are only holly and good, for we are 😊 but we are troubled and confused too, and dark and angry... and that is all ok!

Spirituality is good and bad, dark and light, night and day, masculine and feminine, love and hate it is all that it is! We are not only good as there is not only night.

Only when we realise, accept and embrace the shadow side can we know what light really is.

Becoming aware and bringing the unconscious to conscious is the key. Self reflect always, look and see, learn with the world around you for it is mirroring yourself. Listen to your inner voice, don't just ask and ask, listen! Stop. Let yourself just be! Stop trying!

To be spiritual you don't need a special diet! Or to wear special clothes, you don't need to stop your job or leave your family to go anywhere. You just need to be you! The beautiful thing you are, awake; aware; with acceptance of yourself and others; with unconditional love for you and others; with trust and faith 😀 x

 

PS: and yes when you get here, there is a sense of peace that is unique and wonderful 😊 and you feel blessed every day even when things might not be what you wish... challenges will never stop coming to test you but you will feel hold and content and you will know you are never alone, for within you is everything! That we can call bliss 💕

 

Have a fantastic day and next time a friend sends you something or someone tells you something don't just believe it! Question! Explore! Ask! Look into yourself! Love and light to you all and thanks for reading it... I know it was quite long... too much to say, I leave you with this beautiful picture of Heaven on earth! Enjoy!  xxx

 

PS: By the way, I do believe 2012 is a very special year to many of us, so many people are awaking... and that is fantastic but they need to keep their feet in the ground for that is where we are! On earth! 😉

 

Orphan...

 "An orphan  is a child permanently bereaved of or abandoned by his or her parents."





Orphan...

Funny how when you least expect life hits you with something big on your face or better on your heart or tummy... yesterday was one of those days for me.
I went to a workshop and met there a friend who I knew had lost his dad recently, so as I am checking on how he is coping he says:"I am ok... is a process you know... he was 82 and frail... but you know what? It feels really strange! I am an Orphan now!" and moved away to go to the loo before we started...

I was left with a big Bang in my heart, my tummy crumbled for a moment. Orphan, I had never heard an adult saying that, becoming an orphan... and I then realised I never felt that when any of my family went because I have felt an orphan all my life!

But what does it mean becoming alone without mum and dad as an adult? To realise that they will never be there anymore, the people that was always there for you even with all the issues that all families have. How does that really feel, I wonder... alone... unprotected maybe even unsafe... who will you rely on? Your partner, your child, your closest friend? But will they ever take the place of the unconditional acceptance, love that only a parent can and should have? What do you do with the inner child in you? Were you still very attached to them or had you really grown up and cut most of the cords that kept that dependence? Were you in peace with them or were you angry? Do you know you will be ok?  Because you will be ok, that I know... time will heal 😊

It is difficult to imagine life without who we love, the physical presence or simple the knowing they are there for you on the other side of a phone, in the end of a road... accepting to let go of that is part of the lessons we all have to go through here on earth. For the only reality about living is that one day we will die too, there is no turning back or way of avoiding it, it is what it is and we all know that. The circle of life. Birth to death; light to darkness; beginnings and endings...

I never really thought of this word and my own story but realising the impact of it made me want to acknowledge it as part of me. I was an orphan from the age 7months realising recently it was in fact 14months, but not because my parents died but because they gave me away to a member of the family so I would have a 'better' life!  I felt rejected and unloved! Why, all my life I asked that, why did they give me away and keep my older brother? I was jealous of him and not because he had a good life but because he had mum and dad! I did reconise I had a better material life, my parents were poor and my brother ended up stopping school age 14 and got a job. But he had our mothers love, I had an authoritarian, disturbed, frustrated  and angry mother figure! One that was incapable of showing physical love or recognition but who would buy you things, take you out and expect you to be her forever companion... I was in touch with my parents and loved my brother but I always refereed to them as his mum and dad. :) I still remember how many times my brother would be saying 'our!' but I would not have it! For me they were not my parents! They were like simply close family members.

I grown up feeling alone, different, rejected, not good enough for my parents and not good enough for one of my carers. Her husband loved me as a dad and I thank him for being the one who kept it real for me but as I grew up I resented him for he was too weak to save me...

My father died when I was 16 and my mother ended up having a stroke age 50 and not being able to talk again... I know she loved me and she did it all for my best but all my life I rejected her so much... I came to be in peace with her at the time of the stroke but it just reinforced it all, she was never there for me... not ever! And the answers I wished to have they will never be... that is one of the big realizations of the Orphan, the not being able to understand what was, not having a picture of what was before him. We can all have ideas but not having parents leaves you with no one to ask who you are why that happen, etc. The sense of self is not there mirrored to you! You will have to find it all by yourself, alone and scared... you will have the face the world to find who you are in you!         

The art of letting go...

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. — Dr Seuss

Celebrate endings – for they precede new beginnings. — Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go...

I have ended with a client after 100h of working together... this is almost two in a half years with holidays and missing sessions... how do you let go of someone who you got to know and admire?
That have opened up to you all his secrets and fears, all the darkness and the light... hours of unique intimacy.
How do you say goodbye forever?
How do you set them free? Free from the dependence on the relationship, the comfort of the support and the feeling of unconditional love and full acceptance? How indeed?

With a smile and the knowing that is the right thing, that they are ready! But with the pain and the grief that lost brings...
I am here in the awareness of my need for grief.

I feel like the mother who is so proud of the now-adult child telling them he is moving out of mothers nest. And I am fine with it, at no point would I be tempted to change his conclusion for I can see he is a grown man.

He has learned well. It has been a hard journey and at times we have disappointed each other and I have failed him with no intention. He felt let down by me and there were set backs, but we talked and reaccessed the relationship and he realised I never said I was perfect that I would not do mistakes. I could only be good enough and doing so has built his self esteem and self belief and he got tired and fed up of just being... one day he decided to live!

That is and always will be the beauty of Therapy. The beginning, the vision, the journey, the setbacks and the struggle,  the times of no change, the full acceptance of what 'is', the relationship, the trust, the learning and experiencing the new life tools, the self-discovery, the letting go and getting to know who you really are, what made you this unique being, the self-acceptance and the self-love, the becoming of a full being... the conclusion that is only a new beginning for this now more free wonderful human.

I am inside smiling and crying at the same time, the balance of darkness and light, sadness and hope.
I know it is ok and I know all is well. I am proud of the strength and the courage we can have to face our own demons and stand up one day and start living. That is what my work is about and that is the light I believe is there always when I start with someone new or when we get to those heavy points where the mud is thick and sticky and you feel you can't get out of it. I believe we all can but not with struggle, but instead with the calmness of accepting what is, what is for now.

Because the truth is all will pass... :) x