New ways of trauma from 'soft' parenthood...

I am a mother and a therapist so for some time I have become even more aware of what can and can not cause some psychological troubles in the future. I am not any better or worse than anyone else but I am very conscious of the outcome of some of my actions and behaviours. So because of this, I have learned to be real and in touch with my inner darkness and able to admit when I fail, and I do! Plus the real needs of a child: love, boundaries and being allowed to be children in a world that is forcing them to grow far to fast.

It is important for any child and adult that we are able to admit when we do wrong. Is not about saying sorry, for that means nothing, especially if you carry on doing the same things. But is about exploring and understanding what really happens and what needs to be done to change it and prevent it from happening again. And seek help when needed!

Of course not always this is easy to be achieved and I am no dreamer, but I do know as well that it is important and essential to healthy parenthood and a positive upbringing of our children into the next generation.

Children do Not need a Perfect parent, mother and/or father, they simply need an authentic Good Enough parent, mother and/or father. And yes the mother role is essential but so is the father role that has now become, more than not, an absent figure even when he is around.

Men have become so intimidated and confused over what is expected and what is 'right' or 'wrong' they either can't cope with the responsibility or they take it in a confusing manner. Like trying to be their child best friend or mate.

I live in an area of London where I am exposed to two very different types of parenting:

One comes from a more deprived area full of decedents of African and Jamaican people, where there is a lot of teenager pregnancies, single mums, absent fathers and very dismissible mothers. Some of this is due to some of their cultures, where giving away children to other members of the family or neighbours is fine and accepted, as it is leaving them alone at home or being cared by brothers and sisters so their parents or mothers can go to work or simply go and do their hair or nails...

Obviously, this kind of parenting and circumstances are causing a lot of damaged children and young adults, that have no sense of belonging and most have no father figure to look up or respect. Boundaries here are few and mostly kept and enforced by violence and fear but not so much as respect and admiration or pride for their parents.

This children are victims of these parenting techniques but as well of a society that lacks in helping and addressing their needs and instead discriminates them and punishes them for being or becoming who they are.

These children become angry adults not because they 'bad' but because they in pain! A life of neglect and rejection does that to you! The hurt in them is making them 'attack' and scream, so they are heard and get some attention even if this means a negative one. But no one is listening, or very few, and they are failed over and over again for coming and being part of this world.

The other type of parenting comes from middle-class youngish parents. They educated and around between the late '20s and early '30s even though in some cases fathers might be quite older. Some look like the young couple settling down and ready to start a family and others look like people who have created a career, travelled and now they want to settle to have the kids. They look very smart casual and educated, and they look alike!

This type has present fathers at work and mother that meet in cafes for coffee with their babies and their super big prams!

They have their babies doing yoga from birth and practising in some king of music class... and later they will have the kids busy doing lots of different things! These mothers do exercise classes in the park with the prams! They called the trend 'Pram runners'! And after a few months, they probably will get a private instructor too.

All this is fine, if it wasn't first for the type of prams they using, that either is keeping everyone else out of the pavement so that these mums use it. With no apology or thankfulness for it, most of the time, but instead they have this look of entitlement and total dismiss of the world around them. They belong to their own world.  Or they for sure creating big traumas with these prams for these children!

First, we got the big three welled cross country, then they become double with an up and down child place... Poor kid has to be the one under the brother or sister without a proper vision of the world! What message is this giving? What is this child view of the world and their relationship with the other child? In some cases is the youngest on top and so taking over by being the latest addition to the family and the one on top, literally! And in others when the youngest stay in the bottom, having always to be second best and forever competing to grown and become like the older child. Wow, do they even know what they are doing?

And then there are the super high ones, (the designer one at a cost of £850!), where children are and possibly feel like they 10ft above the ground. They not even contained and secure properly, unless they fully strapped! And even so, this is traumatizing to any eye looking to this child being so high completely 'detached' (when they grow) from this pram that is only holding them by the straps. Scary! Again what message will this give? The insecurity, the natural fear of highs...
oh yes, so they see the world and become high chairs automatically! (The designers claim).

Now there is more... On Saturdays is mothers day off mostly and so the fathers are out in town! They strapped with babies on their chests or/ and with some toddler, on a scooter, that they treat as 'mate' and/or as a friend! Believe me, I have heard it!! - 'mate' What is this about? How can a 3 or 5 years old be your mate? Friend? He is your child! You the adult! Not a friend and not a mate! He needs to see you as a parent and an adult and not as equal. Equal are the other kids in the playground! Otherwise don't be surprised by him treating you like one of the other kids, because he will!

The mothers are not any better! 'Do you love mummy?' 'what do you want for tea?' 'ice cream? Again darling? Oh... Maybe only if you have a few bits of the organic chicken.' 'I WANT ICE CREAM!!' 'ok darling, mummy will give you ice cream, but just today and you have to promise to eat the chicken tomorrow, ok?' 
I few weeks ago I saw a child in a pram asking for the crisps that apparently the mother had finished. The way that this mother went on apologizing to this small kid was so beyond any apology I ever heard from an adult over something enormous. I was shocked and overwhelmed with it. Again, who is the adult and who is the child?

Yesterday I was in a cafe where these two small kids were doing this banging and one of the mothers after a good while went to him, went down on his level (that is good) but instead of being assertive and tell him to stop she wasn't! She asked please, and could you please do this for mummy....'
Help! I hear myself! What is this all about? How can these people go from such extremes!

These are parents with insecurities who wish to be liked by their kids. They sound like very educated people who probably came from quite well off families, of working parents who probably give them material things but not the attention or time. These young parents want now to give all the attention and love to these kids but they scared of their children disliking them like they dislike their parents so they overcompensate. And this will be the parents that as soon as this mothers might go back to work for financial reasons or her own career, they again will be full of guilt for not spending quality time with their kids and will overcompensate and spoil and not teach the real value of things. And possibly repeating the trauma down generations as well.

They have no idea of boundaries and the need of a parent to stay in the parent role and not at all as the best friend of this child. What scares me is that I see these creating traumas, but unlike the first type of parenting, I talked about, that we all know about and know the reasons and the answers and still fail them. With this case, I don't think we know much and I wonder what kind of adults these children will become? Expecting all to be their way, what big disappointments will they have in life?

With so unbounded lives how will they adapt with schools and society where is need to follow roles and where they will be like everyone else and not anymore the super special mummy's boy or girl.

Are we creating a new society of narcissists? Where they believe they are the centre of the world? Where they feel super special and all will be about looks and material belongings, instead of self-worth, self-esteem, self belief and empathy and love for the self and others?

Isn't it this that we seeing already around us? A society and a form of parenting that focuses on 'doing' all the classes and being super busy and stressed from so young, as well as 'having'. Having all that they wish or think they wish in the hope of fulfilling an emptiness that comes from lack of worth and self. Instead, we should be teaching these kids to 'BE', simply be a kid! A child playing, loved, cared, listen and disciplined. To be is to learn to be happy with your own company, being creative, open, confident. And to be aware of others as unique individuals just like yourself, with the same needs and feelings. Kids can do this very well! When they are shown as an example. 

I wish these parents would read about this and realise what they are doing. Like I said, in the beginning, is all about becoming aware and understanding. To be conscious about what we are creating with our action or lack of them. A child needs love, respect and boundaries. To have unconditional love for who they are not for their behaviour. - Stop saying 'good boy/girl or bad' for they neither! Instead, they are both and that is fine! Is always the behaviour, not the child!
They need to know what to expect and what is expected of them.

We, not a parent to be liked, we a parent to love and believe me a child will always love you back. They need to feel secure. They do not need you to be their friend! For you not! If you do a good enough job when they become young adults you will have a friend as well as a son or a daughter. Because you will have a great, close relationship build in love, respect, pride and understanding of both sides.
It is important to be real to kids and tell them as it is. Avoiding telling them things will never help. Children can always know when something is wrong, so be sincere! They never too young you just have to find a way to tell them in their own language.
I really wish more parents in this generation could see this and take responsibility, but I have no idea how this will be done... Would love to hear comments... Thank you for reading!

I just found this article after I finished writing this and was googling some photos: 'My soft parenting has made monsters of my children'
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2101786/My-soft-parenting-monsters-children.html#ixzz1yeETw8Ms

"What’s more, my husband and I are to blame. Instead of teaching our children discipline and boundaries, we, like many modern middle-class parents, have tried to reason with them instead."

WHO KNEW?

Twenty-five per cent of adults are so afraid of upsetting their children they do not discipline them!

Road to peace... my experience...

I went to see the launch of this documentary this week and what a lovely experience it was.
To see this wonderful man in 2008 travelling around the UK just as he is doing it now.
As we were all watching this in a full cinema, many lucky people were seeing him live in the Royal Albert Hall that same evening.

I felt very touched by realising something so beautiful, powerful and simple in this man. The power of his own 'humanism'. Not sure I can call this but what I mean is he came across as a very grounded human being. A holy man who is in touch with himself, the world and who takes things seriously but not in a serious manner.

I thought this was so inspiring! This unique way that I have seen before in very special people: able to say something profound and important and next joke about something completely oblivious and out of context. I believe this is an important quality of very spiritual people and holy teachers.
You see they have messages that are supposed to simply be heard by our unconscious (our soul) so they don't spend too much time elaborating in answers and explanations unless totally necessary.

I found this an amazing technique that I have luckily experienced first hand by meeting every year a Sufi teacher that is the easiest, funniest Latin man one could meet. But at the same time without explanations, discussions or teachings you just feel his 'presence' and you know things will never be the same within you...

With the Dalai Lama people talked about having so much excitement and anticipation and when he comes into the room is like all is gone... 'emptiness' the bliss of the nothing. I recall in the film him saying: 'if you expecting me to have powers to heal you will be disappointed...' He doesn't care, and at the same time, he cares like no one else ever did. He cares for the injustices and fights for human rights but he doesn't care what we think or say about him, for he knows himself and that is all he needs and matters!

Interesting that at some level he reminds me of the Queen. We just had her Diamond Jubilee commemorations, 60th year as a Queen :)
Again I am touched by this woman so much... I follow her celebrations with so much admiration.

I admire her power in her simplicity, resilience and dedication. Something I feel they both share in similar and different ways. Two 'powerful' people, who have a unique pose, simplicity and great sense of humour 😀 Who both are an inspiration and an example of unselfishness dedication to a country, a cause and their role in the world. Both accept to serve with dignity, pride and love and both don't take themselves seriously or are at all grand in their actions or beliefs, instead, they are very grounded and simple people living amazing lives in service of us all.

I believe they both deserve our entire admiration and dedication plus support.

Realising this about these two people made me think of what I found recently in a website http://personalityspirituality.net where it talks about us souls belonging to different types: King; Priest; Sage; Scholar; Warrior; Artisan; Server. And where they have got the Queen as well as Dalai Lama, Prince Charles, mother Teresa and others as Servers. (http://personalityspirituality.net/articles/the-michael-teachings/the-seven-roles-in-essence/the-server-soul/)

'Server souls embody an energy of service, care and helpfulness. As with Priest souls, the consciousness of Servers is inspiration-oriented. But whereas Priests seek to inspire the masses, Servers seek to improve the lot of individuals in more hands-on, down-to-earth ways. They are naturally caring and helpful souls who live to be of benefit to others.'

'Servers tend to be sweet-natured, caring, hospitable, unassuming and humble. Compared to other soul types, they can be described as “mostly harmless”. On top of their good-naturedness, however, they can also look as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. This is because they tend to identify with the misery and suffering of others. However, there is also a general aura of faith in the power of good and a willingness to soldier on. They tend to be very grounded and find it relatively easy to take life’s problems lightly. Old Servers like the Dalai Lama can exude a peaceful, joyful quality, like your ideal grandparent.'

If you at all interested in what type of soul you might be, you can do this free questionnaire here:
http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/atufj3C/Discover-Your-Soul-Type

The other point that touched me in this documentary was that not just he is a simple, grounded man -  his message is simple and truthful. 'You have to change yourself first to change the world' 'you have to be in peace with yourself first, only then can we achieve peace in the world'.

Yes, that is the big truth that people keep not getting. Only by each of us working on ourselves and not on others can we really change anything. We can not change anyone! Only ourselves! Only by each of us taking responsibility for our actions, thoughts and intentions will things change in the whole. Only by accepting and loving all that we are can we become whole. Become whole is holy!

But let us be realistic and aware that all we will do will only be a small contribution to the big picture, the picture that is not for us to see in our lifetime or even our children. Let's not get involved in the illusion that we about to achieve peace on earth just by visualizing and believing that is possible. It is possible, yes but only when we are many, many more awakened and grounded souls ready and this we are not! What we are is wonderful souls starting and carrying a wonderful example of what can be done. So let's carry on! Let's share and get involved and help others wake up to reality. Let's be proud of the responsibility we have in living in such a special, powerful time on this earth, in this universe. Let's carry on the message! Love and light. x

Good and Evil. The recognising of Evil... Can I hurt? Can you?

Mirror of Good and Evil by AntonellaB

There is only one good,
namely knowledge,
and only one evil,
namely ignorance.

Plato








Can any of us become Evil?
What makes us Evil?
Is Good and Evil just part of our nature and in need to simply be understood and accepted as part of all of us?

I know big questions but the kind of that has been playing in my mind...

Hearing about the killing of children and their families this week in Syria, the recent accident in the UK of a fire in a house that killed all the 5 or 6 children but not the parents and having them now on the news being accused of their deaths, made me wonder about all of this...

Then this week as I am facing my own troubled moments of my own darkness I have my daughter watching one of her favourite film: 'The Lovely Bones', and asking me why the killer does that?

I found myself saying that we don't know - it is hard to imagine what is going on in his mind, but he looks like someone very empty and in need to fill that with the killings. The killings give him a high that lasts for some time as he lives off the memories but with time wears off just like any drug does and he is back in the empty space and in need to kill again.

But what makes one of us become capable of doing exactly that? That is my inner question. Of course, there will be many answers and there are so many layers to it. We complex beings 😉

I feel that one of the reasons is the lack of awareness of our own darkness, as I said in the past we tend to avoid it and not accept it in us and then it can take over and be played/acted out, in situations like the killings in Syria.

Is too easy to judge what kind of man can do this, but what about their own despair? Their own traumas living in a country at war with themselves for the lack of freedom and with no human rights or basic needs met. I believe pain creates pain. It takes someone in pain to inflict pain on another. There is no other way. Anger, rage, frustration, despair all come from a place of defending yourself from further pain! It is self-preservation, is an instinct it comes mostly from the unconscious.

And that is my point, for some time. The need is to bring it all to the conscious level, to know about it, to see it, to understand it, to accept it and give it attention. Yes, that pain needs attention, the wound needs to be healed! Pretending all is ok, and even if it is not, there is not much you can do, so you just have to carry on. It might work for some time, might be the right thing to do for some time to but it will never be the answer.

Only when we stop and really listen to what is going on can we learn about ourselves and what we are about and what we need to do.

Yesterday in a dream an answer for one of the reasons some of us hurt, came to me. Abusers, the kind of people who lose their temper, hit their child or their partner and then say sorry and go and help with the healing of their physical wound.

What came to me is the child or the partner is like an extension of them. They are in pain when they hurt, the other is now in pain just like them, so not stronger or better but the same. When they help with healing of the wound and they give you attention, what they are really doing is doing that to themselves. Doing to you and them what was not done to them in the first place.

I was full of goosebumps when I shared this realisation with my partner yesterday. It makes sense. This is why mothers make their children ill to have attention and to be the 'carer', the good perfect mother they wished to have! For example.

But there are others and I am no expert or detective or psychiatric doctor to diagnose or even try to understand it or justify it. But I am fascinated with this and the need for us all to have some awareness and understanding.

This is a vivid understanding our society needs to have. The enlightenment and the forever bliss so many of us wish or dream of is simply an illusion and a utopia. The reality is here in the world we live in and in the pain we all carry. The answer, as Plato said so many centuries ago, is in knowledge instead of ignorance. And that is my message here: we need awareness and understanding. Only when we accept, embrace and even feed our own demons can we be in control of the evil in us and chose consciously to be Good 😀 x

PS: And as the picture above expresses, our actions are only expressions of the good and evil in us. That in itself it is blind because it is in the unconscious. Life and the world is simply our mirror. 

Good vs Evil by www.isabelcastano.com

I end with this picture that to me represents the choice we all have to bring our own masks forward to the conscious and show our true self!