New ways of trauma from 'soft' parenthood...

I am a mother and a therapist so for some time I have become even more aware of what can and can not cause some psychological troubles in the future. I am not any better or worse than anyone else but I am very conscious of the outcome of some of my actions and behaviours. So because of this, I have learned to be real and in touch with my inner darkness and able to admit when I fail, and I do! Plus the real needs of a child: love, boundaries and being allowed to be children in a world that is forcing them to grow far to fast.

It is important for any child and adult that we are able to admit when we do wrong. Is not about saying sorry, for that means nothing, especially if you carry on doing the same things. But is about exploring and understanding what really happens and what needs to be done to change it and prevent it from happening again. And seek help when needed!

Of course not always this is easy to be achieved and I am no dreamer, but I do know as well that it is important and essential to healthy parenthood and a positive upbringing of our children into the next generation.

Children do Not need a Perfect parent, mother and/or father, they simply need an authentic Good Enough parent, mother and/or father. And yes the mother role is essential but so is the father role that has now become, more than not, an absent figure even when he is around.

Men have become so intimidated and confused over what is expected and what is 'right' or 'wrong' they either can't cope with the responsibility or they take it in a confusing manner. Like trying to be their child best friend or mate.

I live in an area of London where I am exposed to two very different types of parenting:

One comes from a more deprived area full of decedents of African and Jamaican people, where there is a lot of teenager pregnancies, single mums, absent fathers and very dismissible mothers. Some of this is due to some of their cultures, where giving away children to other members of the family or neighbours is fine and accepted, as it is leaving them alone at home or being cared by brothers and sisters so their parents or mothers can go to work or simply go and do their hair or nails...

Obviously, this kind of parenting and circumstances are causing a lot of damaged children and young adults, that have no sense of belonging and most have no father figure to look up or respect. Boundaries here are few and mostly kept and enforced by violence and fear but not so much as respect and admiration or pride for their parents.

This children are victims of these parenting techniques but as well of a society that lacks in helping and addressing their needs and instead discriminates them and punishes them for being or becoming who they are.

These children become angry adults not because they 'bad' but because they in pain! A life of neglect and rejection does that to you! The hurt in them is making them 'attack' and scream, so they are heard and get some attention even if this means a negative one. But no one is listening, or very few, and they are failed over and over again for coming and being part of this world.

The other type of parenting comes from middle-class youngish parents. They educated and around between the late '20s and early '30s even though in some cases fathers might be quite older. Some look like the young couple settling down and ready to start a family and others look like people who have created a career, travelled and now they want to settle to have the kids. They look very smart casual and educated, and they look alike!

This type has present fathers at work and mother that meet in cafes for coffee with their babies and their super big prams!

They have their babies doing yoga from birth and practising in some king of music class... and later they will have the kids busy doing lots of different things! These mothers do exercise classes in the park with the prams! They called the trend 'Pram runners'! And after a few months, they probably will get a private instructor too.

All this is fine, if it wasn't first for the type of prams they using, that either is keeping everyone else out of the pavement so that these mums use it. With no apology or thankfulness for it, most of the time, but instead they have this look of entitlement and total dismiss of the world around them. They belong to their own world.  Or they for sure creating big traumas with these prams for these children!

First, we got the big three welled cross country, then they become double with an up and down child place... Poor kid has to be the one under the brother or sister without a proper vision of the world! What message is this giving? What is this child view of the world and their relationship with the other child? In some cases is the youngest on top and so taking over by being the latest addition to the family and the one on top, literally! And in others when the youngest stay in the bottom, having always to be second best and forever competing to grown and become like the older child. Wow, do they even know what they are doing?

And then there are the super high ones, (the designer one at a cost of £850!), where children are and possibly feel like they 10ft above the ground. They not even contained and secure properly, unless they fully strapped! And even so, this is traumatizing to any eye looking to this child being so high completely 'detached' (when they grow) from this pram that is only holding them by the straps. Scary! Again what message will this give? The insecurity, the natural fear of highs...
oh yes, so they see the world and become high chairs automatically! (The designers claim).

Now there is more... On Saturdays is mothers day off mostly and so the fathers are out in town! They strapped with babies on their chests or/ and with some toddler, on a scooter, that they treat as 'mate' and/or as a friend! Believe me, I have heard it!! - 'mate' What is this about? How can a 3 or 5 years old be your mate? Friend? He is your child! You the adult! Not a friend and not a mate! He needs to see you as a parent and an adult and not as equal. Equal are the other kids in the playground! Otherwise don't be surprised by him treating you like one of the other kids, because he will!

The mothers are not any better! 'Do you love mummy?' 'what do you want for tea?' 'ice cream? Again darling? Oh... Maybe only if you have a few bits of the organic chicken.' 'I WANT ICE CREAM!!' 'ok darling, mummy will give you ice cream, but just today and you have to promise to eat the chicken tomorrow, ok?' 
I few weeks ago I saw a child in a pram asking for the crisps that apparently the mother had finished. The way that this mother went on apologizing to this small kid was so beyond any apology I ever heard from an adult over something enormous. I was shocked and overwhelmed with it. Again, who is the adult and who is the child?

Yesterday I was in a cafe where these two small kids were doing this banging and one of the mothers after a good while went to him, went down on his level (that is good) but instead of being assertive and tell him to stop she wasn't! She asked please, and could you please do this for mummy....'
Help! I hear myself! What is this all about? How can these people go from such extremes!

These are parents with insecurities who wish to be liked by their kids. They sound like very educated people who probably came from quite well off families, of working parents who probably give them material things but not the attention or time. These young parents want now to give all the attention and love to these kids but they scared of their children disliking them like they dislike their parents so they overcompensate. And this will be the parents that as soon as this mothers might go back to work for financial reasons or her own career, they again will be full of guilt for not spending quality time with their kids and will overcompensate and spoil and not teach the real value of things. And possibly repeating the trauma down generations as well.

They have no idea of boundaries and the need of a parent to stay in the parent role and not at all as the best friend of this child. What scares me is that I see these creating traumas, but unlike the first type of parenting, I talked about, that we all know about and know the reasons and the answers and still fail them. With this case, I don't think we know much and I wonder what kind of adults these children will become? Expecting all to be their way, what big disappointments will they have in life?

With so unbounded lives how will they adapt with schools and society where is need to follow roles and where they will be like everyone else and not anymore the super special mummy's boy or girl.

Are we creating a new society of narcissists? Where they believe they are the centre of the world? Where they feel super special and all will be about looks and material belongings, instead of self-worth, self-esteem, self belief and empathy and love for the self and others?

Isn't it this that we seeing already around us? A society and a form of parenting that focuses on 'doing' all the classes and being super busy and stressed from so young, as well as 'having'. Having all that they wish or think they wish in the hope of fulfilling an emptiness that comes from lack of worth and self. Instead, we should be teaching these kids to 'BE', simply be a kid! A child playing, loved, cared, listen and disciplined. To be is to learn to be happy with your own company, being creative, open, confident. And to be aware of others as unique individuals just like yourself, with the same needs and feelings. Kids can do this very well! When they are shown as an example. 

I wish these parents would read about this and realise what they are doing. Like I said, in the beginning, is all about becoming aware and understanding. To be conscious about what we are creating with our action or lack of them. A child needs love, respect and boundaries. To have unconditional love for who they are not for their behaviour. - Stop saying 'good boy/girl or bad' for they neither! Instead, they are both and that is fine! Is always the behaviour, not the child!
They need to know what to expect and what is expected of them.

We, not a parent to be liked, we a parent to love and believe me a child will always love you back. They need to feel secure. They do not need you to be their friend! For you not! If you do a good enough job when they become young adults you will have a friend as well as a son or a daughter. Because you will have a great, close relationship build in love, respect, pride and understanding of both sides.
It is important to be real to kids and tell them as it is. Avoiding telling them things will never help. Children can always know when something is wrong, so be sincere! They never too young you just have to find a way to tell them in their own language.
I really wish more parents in this generation could see this and take responsibility, but I have no idea how this will be done... Would love to hear comments... Thank you for reading!

I just found this article after I finished writing this and was googling some photos: 'My soft parenting has made monsters of my children'
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2101786/My-soft-parenting-monsters-children.html#ixzz1yeETw8Ms

"What’s more, my husband and I are to blame. Instead of teaching our children discipline and boundaries, we, like many modern middle-class parents, have tried to reason with them instead."

WHO KNEW?

Twenty-five per cent of adults are so afraid of upsetting their children they do not discipline them!