This morning I was thinking about storage and my storage space outside where I keep things just in case one day I might use them. I have a liking of finding things and thinking: umm that looks nice, that is something I can use one day... That can be for the bathroom, that can be for ..., that can be... Clothes, bags that I like and think even if I don't use them now, that maybe one day I will clean it and still use it, maybe one day I will have the space and be easier to see them all and use them... Maybe one day when I work from home seeing my clients and dress up I can use those shoes I can't walk on... All are attached to maybes and hopes... The desire to reused, recycle and live again!
But I realised something else today: my life is like that too, I do that with my gifts and what I know I can do. I keep putting them in storage! Waiting for that right moment, the space, the bigger house, the opportunity... All is on hold! Everything has been kept in the meantime! Like if life at the moment is simply in the In-between...
17th April
Ah yes, and of course there are the books! Tones of them waiting to be read! And in the meantime on a shelf or on a pile... In all of them, there is the hope that I will look at one and think: I could start reading you... That one there is the kind of book I think I might like reading when I am much, much older... And that one I have heard of and I know is good, but I don't really want to read it (at least not now) but I sense that maybe one day I will or maybe someone will. I can be good at recommending books or lending them, but I do want them back... Far too protective of some of them.
The autobiographies are a mystery to me... I have a few, in fact, I sense that my unconscious is planning to build some library of them even though I possibly have only read one or two of them, but again I feel one day I will have the time and the willingness to do so. Ok, I can hear the thoughts up there of anyone reading this one day... I am a collector!! I collect and hold and live in hope of using, giving an opportunity to all of these things to be used, read or even given away to the right person at the right time.
As you possibly ( I hope! )
have hoped or realised I don't buy any of this new! Oh no! That would never have
been the point! I am addicted to charities! In fact more specifically
one charity very dear to me just down the road: Saint Christopher's
Hospice! How ironic is that? I have been supporting something that helps and
takes care of OLD people! Me! Who is dumb scared of being old and/or die! But in
fact, they are dear to me because they do something amazing, they help
you go! Ok not really help as I don't think that is legal yet ( I so
hope! By the time I get there!) but they help terminal ill people to
find some peace and comfort and they help their families with coping
with accepting and letting go of their loved ones. I am totally up for
that!
So yes I am in this charity every week, we have our walks down the road on a Saturday morning just to go and see if there are any bargains... Yes because that is the most important thing of all this ritual - it has to be a bargain! It has to be something worth it unless I totally love it and need it, for that would be the only occasion I would be tempted to pay a bit more... But usually, a few pounds here and there is all I spend. Mind you it becomes like the pound shop... One pound here, one pound there and is a total of £20 on the till... Clever them! Not all charities get this right. Down another road, there is another one (the mind) that of course, I should be supporting as they work with Mental Health, but they price things highly! Even Primark things are more pricy than the original price on the shop - total madness! So things stay there for ages... I very rarely go in and even fewer times have I spend any money there. They don't understand, my one ( yep that is how I already call it! Owning something makes you feel even better! ) even does a Sale! Where on earth have you seen a charity doing a sale? They do! Two for one or all for a pound from that rail. And is never horrible things that have been around for centuries, oh no, not all at. They do this because they want to move things... Make money and get new things in. I love them!
And because of the good cause, they support I feel no guilt in buying a few things more, even if I don't use them I feel I am supporting something great. (Yes, yes I know that is my big excuse! But come on is a good one, so I can be forgiven!) The trouble of this is I do spend more than I should really... So I do give my self a few weeks off!
Should I talk about old age, as I touched it above? Maybe I should... This is a trouble for me, something that is a big issue and something I am not sure how to come to terms with. Age! Ok, let's explain that my issues are not related to looks! Ok, I say that because I am fortunate to have great genes and not at all look my age, as yet! But my issues are with things like losing your mind! Forgetting things, being confused, losing your sense of self. On top of that, of course, illness, pain, immobility... I have had already a good dose of what pain is and knowing that is what is most likely the future to be... Is horribly scary! But on top of this, there is an even more scary part of getting old! And this is my top trauma! Becoming dependent! Going back to become 'the child'! Not having control of what and how anything is done to you or for you! We all know how much abuse there is in this area and that is completely my biggest nightmare! So much so, that just writing this here is making my tummy crumble... And I might choose o leave it for now... I will be back :) x
Ok, I am back for a moment... I was thinking of hope and I just finished a book by a friend Claus Bockmann called "hope" where he kind of makes us see that there is hope, if only we all do our bit there is hope in everything and everywhere... But what about when we run out of time? When we feel we wish to go back in time and relive something... I have been thinking about this recently...
Gosh- definitely- age! Just yesterday as I was watching our ( my daughter and I) agreed Monday film ( a series called Pretty Little Lies) and there was this scene on it where this teenager girl is kissing this boys neck and I just thought: wow I want to remember how that really felt, I want to go back to those kinds of moments and experience them again! The passion of those moments, the butterfly's on the tummy... Don't we miss that? I don't mean going and doing that now, because that would never be the same... Not experience it as a 44 years old woman who lived it but as a 16, 18, 21, 25... years old girl who wants to live! Yes, that is what it is... I feel I am running out of time for living!
I was looking at someone I know yesterday and realising how much older she looks, ( I think she is in her 60's) and I thought gosh I met her about 15 years ago, so she was probably around my age now... 15 years went in a flash! She is lucky that she is active, working, going on holidays but her older husband is almost invalid after breaking his hip. It makes you wonder and for me makes me want to catch a back in time machine! Not at all saying, I am not happy where I am, I kind of am... But is hard... I might be having a middle life crisis after all!!! Oh my God! Help!
Have to go again... See you later for more thoughts! X
Been out to Bromley and I stop by the stairs in M&S looking at people... Older people. Some they just old and some you think they young from behind and get a shock when you see the other side... Hehe, I wonder which will I be? Hard to imagine what is to come and even more the fact that I am nowhere where I would want to be. But then again where do I want to be? That is always so hard... I can easily say possibly what I don't want but always found it hard to say what I want or imagine it. Maybe that is why I am not really anywhere else...ops!
Just before Easter I was having Supervision and talking about me and a client needing to get her childhood facts together so she can build the puzzle of her life. I can relate to that myself for I wished I had asked questions but time went by and circumstances never helped. My father died when I was just 16 and after quite a fight in the hospital a few weeks before... Some questions were answered in that fight but there is always so much more. Life continued then... Then when I was about 20 my mother age 50 then had a stroke and never spoke again! So no questions were asked and now I look back and wonder... One big thing has been playing in my mind more than ever, in the last 18 months, after I found out that my real godparents were some else! I always treated as my godparents a couple that turns out it was never it. My cousin was and a mysterious man, friend of my father from work who I never saw and know nothing!
When I
was a child I was told I was a twin, that my sister was born after me
dead and a month younger. I always carried the question: what it would
be like having a twin? A sister like me? But at the same time, I always
felt as if I owned her my like! She died so I could live because my mum
was too weak and undernourished possibly even anaemic as she often was. I
have carried this with me, the sense that I owned something.
Then as a
toddler I was very ill and could have died if my aunt and grandmother
wouldn't have visited my mum and taken me to hospital in time. Later on, I end up staying with my aunt and ancle, because my parents were not coping, and later is believed
my brother who was staying around at the time give me some medication
that caused me to have fits and doctors to think I was epileptic. So over
and over again I could have died but I didn't . I was given second and
third chances... by the universe and as such, I feel like I have to give
back at all times. My supervised realised this and reflected at me that
maybe because I feel I own it, I have so much issues with giving myself
the opportunity to be valued by what I do by being paid.
At the time this really hit on something big... I am happy to give, help and even though I understand the need to charge something with the service, I am quite resistant when this can involve money.
I feel I have to get some closer to this unspoken secret of my family. This sister that never was talked about, that possibly was the reason my mum couldn't cope needs to be find! I birth certificate or a death certificate need to be found. Because at the moment I am even wondering: what if she is alive and was given away? Maybe that is why I have a godfather I have never seen, maybe he is the person who took her and maybe because mum was feeling guilty and unhappy she was possibly depressed and not coping. Gosh, family secrets! Who wants them?
18th April
Yesterday as I was thinking of this thing about missing doing things when I was younger, I realised what I am really talking about is: I miss experiencing things for the first time! The innocence that comes with it. The not knowing or better the not remembering it, yet. Yes, that is what it is. Now I have lived and experienced it, and because I am a more mature and wiser person even what I haven't physically experienced I have a pretty good idea what must be like. Then I didn't! Then all was new, intense and fresh. My desire is so big that I was thinking even though my childhood and teenager years were painful and troubled I wouldn't mind to go back and live them again just so I could experience them, the intensity of the feelings, the drama, the passion... The love, the hate, the tears, the pain, the laughter, the love...
I hear people asking: why don't we remember our past lives? That is why! So you can experience things as the first time!! Like tasting for the first time the fresh water from a stream... Can you remember? Can you imagine what it felt like? That touch, that sound, that moment of 'the first time' even if it wasn't a pleasante one, it brought something unique that now as you look back you know you will never, never feel again...
Ok
not in this life! Because yes the next one we all will experience new
first times- thanks God for that! But what I really want is now! This
one here, the present one! If I had the money I would be investing in
doing sessions on hypnotherapy so I could go back and experience it, some
of it all over again in my mind! Yes, that could be interesting, but
not really the same. So I am left with only these empty desires and
longing for what is no more. Maybe what I need to do really is not
look into what I miss but what I have and what I can have new... The
experience of being able to reflect on all this is pretty unique :) and
is something a teenager would never have the time or willingness to do. So
that is a new experience! And so maybe the answer to my desire is really
to adapt with what is new! A different new but a new all the
same! Gosh don't I love it when I become philosophing... Hehe
New subject!
I came across this from a friend on Facebook and thought how interesting question, so I decided to paste to here with some of mine and other comments:
"Do the people who think they are evil do more harm in the world or the people who think they are good?" I thought this was a really interesting question...
J: The seductiveness of every protest movement is that, by opposing the 'evil', it persuades us that we must be amongst the 'good'. But "he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her". Do we really occupy a moral high ground from which we can censure politicians, bankers and all of the other convenient scapegoats of our times - or have we just pitched our tents in a place we have no rights to?
Me: I think there are very few people who know they are evil and they are happy about it. The others who know (and this is important) they are evil, are probably uncomfortable and in a lot of self-punishment mood already... So I believe the ones to look for is the ones who have this idea they are all good and special, for these are the ones who easily fall. These are the ones in denial of their own shadow (evil) and so they not in control of it. The true reality is that we all light and darkness, and we are the only ones who can be in touch with it and choose. But if we pretend to be just one we denying the existence of the other and that is when that one can take over in a small second, on that crucial moment and there is no turning back and guilt will never do. It is like traumas, painful memories, dark moments of our lives. If you choose to ignore them you will do it for some time, sometimes a long, long time... But one day, one sound, one depression, one painful moment in your life will take you back! And is only when you face it, accept it as yours that you can set yourself free!
J: Yes, I totally agree with this. It also seems to me that unless we can see others' weaknesses in ourselves we can't have any true empathy. I see lots of rage against what others are doing but little recognition that we have the same faults, and would probably do the same things in the same circumstances.
B: It is described right in the 'material', as you know. And I think that Freud was onto something with his description of the defence mechanism he called projection.
Me: Yes-projection!! We project so many things to others that are ours! That we feel about ourselves or when someone reminds us of someone else. What we really need is to be more aware! Aware of our thought and actions! The whys behind it. But that comes with a big 'R' for RESPONSIBILITY and who wants that? Is hard to live when we become so aware but at the same time is wonderful and that is the point that us human and slightly more advance souls are here to do! That is hard work but is rewarding too. Because of course leaves you understanding the behaviour of people around you and that makes us more accepting, empathic and loving. We need to understand! We have a brain seeking to be used! A soul wanting to be remembered! A body wanting to live and experience! X
That was good? Wasn't it? It makes you think, question and wonder... I like that!
Have to go... See you later.... x
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