The lying parent. 21-2-13

If I told you we are a bunch of liars living in a world where we teach laying to our children from day one? How would you feel? I know is not one to easily swallow but a true never the less. Ok, I better explain myself or I can see you leaving this Blog right now :) 

We lie to ourselves, we lie to each other, when we say we are ok and we are not, we are lying when we pretend whatever that it is so we fit in or to be liked or whatever- we lying! When we say sorry and we don't really mean it; when we say I love you and we don't really mean it; when we pretend we getting along with something but we not... We are lying. You see we live a life of constant lying. This is big and this is serious. We feel we can not be ourselves, we feel we are not good or worth enough, so we pretend and we lie. Lie about the salary, the car, the family, the job, the friends, the upbringing, the looks, the everything that might be possible to pretend and lie about. The list is endless.

We have learned this from our parents and we pass this one to our children. When for example things were not well between mum and dad, and we got worried. But we were possibly told: "No is ok, mum is ok." When obviously it wasn't. We all forget that the child can feel it is something wrong, but if it is told it is alright, she will think she is wrong. This child can then grow up not to trust their feelings because they were 'wrong' when in fact they were right. Instead, this child should have heard the truth, simply: "yes mum and dad is not ok, but we are trying to work it out as adults, this is not for you to worry and this is not about you. We both love you very much. Now go to bed, or go to play..."

Now we have another big issue with boundaries, children are told 'no' but they have learned that if they become very, very persistent they can eventually get it. So no wonder a teenager, young adult or a man when he hears the girl say no, thinks if I persist, really persist I know I will get it because no doesn't really means no, does it? Again what are we passing on? 

Boundaries and discipline are very important in the upbringing of children, of heathy secure children. Children without it get, agitated, unrested, demanding and unhappy. Children need to know where to stop, where are the limitations and they need an adult who is loving but firm. A parent should never think that is the child mate or best friend, for that, is not what the child needs, that might be what the parents needs, but that is something that the parent will have to address and get help with. A lot of parents and mums became mums/parents because of their own need of love, unconditional love, and they feel a baby, a child can give that to them. Now imagine the responsibility that this child comes in the world with. 

You might be thinking, who you to be saying all this, are you even a parent? In fact, I am and no I am not perfect, for that is not what the child needs either. Do I have a degree in children Psychology or in raising children? No, I don't! I have become a mum with no experience, but I follow my instinct, my common sense, I did it all from a place of Love and practicality but as well with determination and boundaries. For me a no, always meant a no. But sometimes there were maybes and if's and we can sometimes negotiate and compromise with some older children. Becoming a parent made me aware of myself, my limitations, my issues and helped me explore and learn lots.

Children need to be told as it is in a form that is appropriated for them, they might not need all the truth or all the story but they should not be lied to or pretended that something is what is not. I child should not be used as companions, friends, listeners, confidant, carers or assume parenting roles and they should not have at all to take sides in parents or families confrontations. 

Mostly, children need real people as parents, adults that are loving and have time for them. That gives them attention and quality time. That they set boundaries and expectation. Rules and that they are truthful at all times. An adult needs to stay an adult but be able to be in touch with their inner child to get on with playful times, to be empathic to the child needs. At the same time as the adult, he should be able to admit errors and have talks with their children. We came from a generation of parents who never admit being wrong or any wrongdoing, let now find a balance but not go to the extreme of apologising for being you and not giving any more of yourself. 

You and I can only do our best, with great achievements and some failure, that is normal and is being human. At the end of the day, none of this can guarantee children with no problems or traumas, for even the ones who have it all will always feel they miss on something. Because it Is not about the reality but about the perceptions and interpretation of the child, of the other and that is our children unique choice and individuals lessons. We can only be sincere and real to ourselves and others and became more and more aware of ourselves.     

Awareness, self-awareness for me is the biggest key in my own experience. I become a therapist for that reason and I can imagine my child, now in her teens complaining about having a mother as a therapist who is aware of what is behind so much... It all started when she was a toddler and I become aware I was losing my temper and becoming my own carer... The biggest fright when you look at the mirror and see your not nice mother! 

So I sought help, I knew this was not right and not about her, this took me deeper into my self-understanding and my journey into training as a therapist, something I was already interested. Today these skills help me immensely, my child is doing ok but not all is perfect. Never is, and we not aiming at perfection for that does not exist. She has anxieties and issues and I have to be aware of how to deal with it. How to give and support but still say no. 

I too know how easy is to say yes, and give in! I know I agree with so much more and give so much more because I did not have it. But we need to create limits and become aware that whatever way we act and interact with them that is all they have as an example to take for their future life. If we give and give easily they will think that the world and life are like that. They will have even more expectations and that is something we all struggling in this society because of that. Children need to be taught to value things and have respect. I am a believer in respect. Respect for people, animal, nature and things. Yes things, deserve respect too. No clothes on the floor, or uncared for. All things need and deserve to be cared for at all times. Only like this can we bring up kids that have respect for this planet, for each other, for the parents and the elderly.

In a society of consumerism and image we the parents have a hard job and the most important job in giving this future generation the skill of self-love, self-worth, self-acceptance, respect, empathy, and that can only come from example. Us practising exactly that, us getting help, physiologic help. I believe we parents should be more supported by this society. Have more help with the tools to be better at what we do. For starters, we need therapy available, courses on self-awareness, on self-esteem, on common
sense! 

Thanks for reading. 

21-2-13