Orphan...

 "An orphan  is a child permanently bereaved of or abandoned by his or her parents."





Orphan...

Funny how when you least expect life hits you with something big on your face or better on your heart or tummy... yesterday was one of those days for me.
I went to a workshop and met there a friend who I knew had lost his dad recently, so as I am checking on how he is coping he says:"I am ok... is a process you know... he was 82 and frail... but you know what? It feels really strange! I am an Orphan now!" and moved away to go to the loo before we started...

I was left with a big Bang in my heart, my tummy crumbled for a moment. Orphan, I had never heard an adult saying that, becoming an orphan... and I then realised I never felt that when any of my family went because I have felt an orphan all my life!

But what does it mean becoming alone without mum and dad as an adult? To realise that they will never be there anymore, the people that was always there for you even with all the issues that all families have. How does that really feel, I wonder... alone... unprotected maybe even unsafe... who will you rely on? Your partner, your child, your closest friend? But will they ever take the place of the unconditional acceptance, love that only a parent can and should have? What do you do with the inner child in you? Were you still very attached to them or had you really grown up and cut most of the cords that kept that dependence? Were you in peace with them or were you angry? Do you know you will be ok?  Because you will be ok, that I know... time will heal 😊

It is difficult to imagine life without who we love, the physical presence or simple the knowing they are there for you on the other side of a phone, in the end of a road... accepting to let go of that is part of the lessons we all have to go through here on earth. For the only reality about living is that one day we will die too, there is no turning back or way of avoiding it, it is what it is and we all know that. The circle of life. Birth to death; light to darkness; beginnings and endings...

I never really thought of this word and my own story but realising the impact of it made me want to acknowledge it as part of me. I was an orphan from the age 7months realising recently it was in fact 14months, but not because my parents died but because they gave me away to a member of the family so I would have a 'better' life!  I felt rejected and unloved! Why, all my life I asked that, why did they give me away and keep my older brother? I was jealous of him and not because he had a good life but because he had mum and dad! I did reconise I had a better material life, my parents were poor and my brother ended up stopping school age 14 and got a job. But he had our mothers love, I had an authoritarian, disturbed, frustrated  and angry mother figure! One that was incapable of showing physical love or recognition but who would buy you things, take you out and expect you to be her forever companion... I was in touch with my parents and loved my brother but I always refereed to them as his mum and dad. :) I still remember how many times my brother would be saying 'our!' but I would not have it! For me they were not my parents! They were like simply close family members.

I grown up feeling alone, different, rejected, not good enough for my parents and not good enough for one of my carers. Her husband loved me as a dad and I thank him for being the one who kept it real for me but as I grew up I resented him for he was too weak to save me...

My father died when I was 16 and my mother ended up having a stroke age 50 and not being able to talk again... I know she loved me and she did it all for my best but all my life I rejected her so much... I came to be in peace with her at the time of the stroke but it just reinforced it all, she was never there for me... not ever! And the answers I wished to have they will never be... that is one of the big realizations of the Orphan, the not being able to understand what was, not having a picture of what was before him. We can all have ideas but not having parents leaves you with no one to ask who you are why that happen, etc. The sense of self is not there mirrored to you! You will have to find it all by yourself, alone and scared... you will have the face the world to find who you are in you!         

The art of letting go...

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. — Dr Seuss

Celebrate endings – for they precede new beginnings. — Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go...

I have ended with a client after 100h of working together... this is almost two in a half years with holidays and missing sessions... how do you let go of someone who you got to know and admire?
That have opened up to you all his secrets and fears, all the darkness and the light... hours of unique intimacy.
How do you say goodbye forever?
How do you set them free? Free from the dependence on the relationship, the comfort of the support and the feeling of unconditional love and full acceptance? How indeed?

With a smile and the knowing that is the right thing, that they are ready! But with the pain and the grief that lost brings...
I am here in the awareness of my need for grief.

I feel like the mother who is so proud of the now-adult child telling them he is moving out of mothers nest. And I am fine with it, at no point would I be tempted to change his conclusion for I can see he is a grown man.

He has learned well. It has been a hard journey and at times we have disappointed each other and I have failed him with no intention. He felt let down by me and there were set backs, but we talked and reaccessed the relationship and he realised I never said I was perfect that I would not do mistakes. I could only be good enough and doing so has built his self esteem and self belief and he got tired and fed up of just being... one day he decided to live!

That is and always will be the beauty of Therapy. The beginning, the vision, the journey, the setbacks and the struggle,  the times of no change, the full acceptance of what 'is', the relationship, the trust, the learning and experiencing the new life tools, the self-discovery, the letting go and getting to know who you really are, what made you this unique being, the self-acceptance and the self-love, the becoming of a full being... the conclusion that is only a new beginning for this now more free wonderful human.

I am inside smiling and crying at the same time, the balance of darkness and light, sadness and hope.
I know it is ok and I know all is well. I am proud of the strength and the courage we can have to face our own demons and stand up one day and start living. That is what my work is about and that is the light I believe is there always when I start with someone new or when we get to those heavy points where the mud is thick and sticky and you feel you can't get out of it. I believe we all can but not with struggle, but instead with the calmness of accepting what is, what is for now.

Because the truth is all will pass... :) x


 

Death and Living...

27th April

I came across a few things about this in the last few days and I thought: 'umm quite an interesting subject I should try to write about it' so here I am... Let's see what comes...

I like the idea that only by knowing about death can we live. www.internationalmovietrailerfestival.com/all-trailers/death-makes-life-possible/

'Death Makes Life Possible' explores the taboo topic of death and asks the fundamental question: How can understanding death give meaning to our lives?'

I believe that too, for only when we live fully do we accept death. By living fully I mean living conscious, present and aware of what is. If you are scared of death, you hide, you protect yourself, you avoid living because you scared of dying.

How many of us spend their lives doing exactly that, at least at some point of our life? Yes, I can see all those arms out... 😊 and I can see the ones who are not out because they scared of admitting exactly that to the world and to themselves. For that is one of the big issues in so many things in life and our inner world. We have issues with admitting things to ourselves! We ashamed of accepting that we anything else than 'good'.

The other issue to me in all this is that the fear of death can kill us anyway and how sad is that? To live a life where you are not living, where you are vegetating or living like one of those zombies from a horror film. But I see this in so many people, on tv, on the streets and in my practice. We stop living because we are scared! And sometimes it is not at all that we are scared of death - no, in fact, some of us at some point even welcomed it - it is that we are scared of living! Because living has became unbearable and therefore if we don't die for real we still kill ourselves and live a dead life, with no meaning, no purpose... Sad, lonely and depressive.

Do I have the answers? No I don't! But I have in fact some beliefs in all of this and one is the need for a purpose or at least the belief that there is one somewhere and you just need to find it! And the other is that we need to find our lost soul!

By lost soul I mean our real self, the one we lost touch since we have been bombarded with neglect, abuse, false believes and expectations plus our false interpretations of all this reality! We are all unique and we all have unique ways to interpret and react to the reality! That is what makes us, us - and not someone else. So if we choose consciously or not to react or act in a certain way to something done to us we need to take responsibility and accept it so you then can let go of it, the guilty or the anger that is keeping you stuck in time.

We get trapped in our traumas, fears and emotions and only when we get to know them, accept them and work with them do we start commenting with our real self. We need to know, really know ourselves and accept it for what it is! That acceptance needs to come from a place of unconditional love, the place that is within us, our hearts, our souls, our consciousness, what connects us all.

And by purpose, I mean a reason, a passion, a love for something. We all need to feel needed and valued, respected and accepted, loved! And we don't just need it but we have a right to it too. But what we don't need is to look for any of this anywhere... yes, I know, surprise, surprise! We need to only and simply look and find it all this within ourselves first! Then yes we can look into getting it somewhere else... And believe me, it will come!

The more you find it within you the more it will materialise in front of you! Because all will be mirroring yourself! That is all, so simple. If we are in pain we mirror pain in others and in the world, if we are in anger we project and mirror anger in others, if you are in love you project, attract and see love everywhere because all is mirroring what you are! We are connected! Gosh, this is so, so good!

So yes when you are in peace within and open the answers will come, the purpose will come to you. Sometimes it might just come in disguise so you have to give it a chance! Believe your heart, follow your instinct, trust your inner voice, your sixth sense, whatever you want to call it but go for it, because you don't know what you will find. Ok, let me explain that not always what is your purpose or what is right for you at that moment in time is a easy choice but what it will definitely be is an opportunity to grow! And that is why we are here :)

So let's not die, let's live and connect and forgive and express and love and be! X

WOW I just bought this beauty :) and I am so excited !  Thank you Universe ! How cool is that? All the way from Australia - Adelaide... hehe
So if I can't go to Adelaide (at least not now) Adelaide is coming to me!
*see my post on 'Healing Karma in Adelaide...'

So funny how these things manifest... the last couple nights I been feeling the need to sleep with a crystal and as I use them in my Healing/Meditation group I tend to keep them in the 'meeting bag' and they don't come out and go back to my altar... so this week I felt deprived. The few left are not so special so in a moment of despair I just grabbed one of crystal necklace and slept with in under my pillow.
Yesterday again, as I was putting together the altar in the meeting I was looking at my collection and realising I am in need of a good size crystal ! Something with weight and soul... Something that would be drawn to me and felt special.
 

This morning I come across this beauty for sale at a reduce price from Adelaide hills and I got the last one that in fact was the cheapest and the one I was drown to. I have to admit I hesitated a bit over the price but I was told: 'follow your heart' (by my partner not a special force lol) and so I did!
Can't wait to have it in my hands... x

Day and night... trauma and freedom

In the last few years, I have become more of a thinker than ever before, more like a philosopher who keeps exploring ideas in my mind... and luckily I am blessed by having a partner who bounces back some of those ideas and I find these moments one of the most precious moments of our present life 😉

Questions over the self or some deep spiritual connection that I just made tends to be accompanied by goosebumps in my body, this is always a good sign to me 😀 it says I hit something important and deep.

Today I had one of those moments but in a therapy session...
Day and night! The need for us all to realise that all is like day and night.
I was talking about having tools to cope with the down moments that life will bring. Those dark and depressive moments that we all visited time to time and I said that it is important first to know that 'all will pass'!

I heard that in a mindfulness retreat, the story of a teacher whose student came to him and said: 'I don't know what to do... I try so hard but I am not getting there... I feel so down...' and the teacher said: 'all will pass' days went by and the student came back and said: 'wow today I really feel good and I understand... I feel really enlighten'  and the teacher said: 'all will pass'. Yes, that is one of the biggest realities that we all need to know. Nothing will ever be the same and all will pass because we are always changing. Everything changes by itself even without us wanting or knowing.

The second is 'stay with it' don't fight it. Don't avoid it or ignore it. But at the same time don't give it too much time and attention. Do face it, express it and explore it, do whatever you can do but then that is it. If you overdo it with attention and importance you only losing precious energy. So if it is painful, dark simply look at it, face it as it is for what it is and stay with it knowing that it will go.
For it always will. After the storm, the sun comes out because he was always there! After the dark night goes, the bright day comes! Simple!

Now think of this: when the night comes do you worry about the morning coming? Do you question it? - No! You don't! The night comes, you go to bed, sleep and in no time is morning!
But if you do, if you fight the fact that is night you will not be able to sleep and then time will not go... and it will feel like forever to get to the morning... so let's not fight those dark days/moments in our lives and they will go quicker then we can imagine it... 😁 x

Healing Karma in Adelaide...

22nd April 

This morning I came across this article and it resonated with some inner truth:

"Dear ADELAIDE people (& anyone interested in Atlantis) I used to write for Inner self Magazine & by far the most FEEDBACK I ever had about one of my articles was for THE CRYSTAL CITY, which I wrote all about the Adelaide/Atlantis connection & why so many INTERNATIONAL people are drawn to this city, to heal their KARMA. If you haven't read the article or seen my other website, have a little look x http://thecrystalcity.net/about.html"

I liked the idea of healing karma :) I always felt that I am one of those old souls that came to this life to do a lot of karma work. My life circumstances and young history told me that it must be a reason for me to be here!

I remember at age 16 deciding to live! Yes, I mean it as instead of dying because yes a part of me was wanting to go, not really be here and the other was like 'that is scary, not so sure...can someone simply notice me?' But no one noticed... or at least not what I expected :) it did not come in a psychical form like a member of the family or a friend but as an invisible force holding my hand, and I do mean 'holding' with strength!

And that was the beginning of me deciding to live and if I was to live, it must be a reason for that. The pain, the rejection, the doubts, the emptiness... all had to have a reason. And so that day in that white kitchen holding a knife I asked this invisible force to allow me to touch people, to make a difference in peoples lives. If I had to live in this life it had to have a good reason and the only one I could imagine was that I would be of help to others. (I can tell you now: I was heard more then I expected or wished for and 10 years later I was overwhelmed by the gift I was given... but that is a story I will share another time) x 

So back to this article: When I look back my life I realise how I meet people and they stay for a time and then they go... how there is always a meaning and I tend to realise that sometimes as soon as I met them. There is a positive side to this, the knowing that there is a reason for this friendship or relationship but there is a sad side too, the knowing it will end and pass. I believe they are all karmic relationships, the exchange of something within my soul family.

In this article, it talks about Adelaide and its healing properties and how so many people have this desire to go there and how the place brings out the darker inner shadow and makes us face the ego. All my life I have been attracted to Australia, of all the lovely places I would like to visit in the world that has always been on top of them all.
My question has been 'why' what is it? And the truth is I don't really know. I was very surprised when my brother said he feels that too, that he feel some kind of connection with people he has met through the years from there.

So now after I read this I am wondering if this is a calling for me to go and do some spiritual healing within myself. Maybe to confront my shadow face on. I sense there is a lot of spiritual people up there, most 'new age' (if we really can call it anymore as is not new any more lol) people pages I came across Facebook are all Australian, like the one from the article. So maybe is something there.
Today I told my family I will be looking seriously into this! Thinking of it bring a longing in my heart... I hope I will have the courage to follow it :) x

Photo: Crystal Quarry, Adelaide - found here 

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/757238124825393211/

Thank you!

Ok this morning I got all my courage and after a few days just writing things here I decided it was time to tell people... I got my first official comment and by this evening I realise I had been visited 39 times ! You guys have no idea how exciting this makes me feel !! Wow Thank you so much for visiting, and do feel free to comment ! Love and light to you all. :) x