Too vulnerable to wear a mask

As therapists, we are told in our training that we will get the clients we need. That we can only take our clients as far as we have been prepared to go. That the power is in the relationship. That we can learn lots from our clients. That it can take over a year for the real therapy to start (meaning to go deeper and for the client to trust us with the deep stuff). That when you feel really stuck with you client, and the water is extra muddy it is because you are on the edge of a breakthrough, be patient! 

In over a decade of being a therapist I never stop being amazed at how true all this is. How much my quick reflections and mirroring back, and the connections from behavior to past experiences, shows so much. How their changes changes me. How the dance in therapy is a mutual dance and not at all a lonely one. At least not in my approach.

Last week I found myself reflecting on the struggles of a client wearing her mask in the room with me. (She wears a mask at her work, so she is used to it). And she said: “It is so strange to be this vulnerable behind the mask!” I quickly connected that comment to her own story, and I know we touched something there. 

But this statement was too big to be ignored, or just attributed to her. I felt in so many ways she was connecting with something bigger, she was identifying the bigger community issues of wearing masks! 

This made me think: is this why some people refuse to want to wear a mask? Are they too vulnerable? And I think they are. We all have been vulnerable in our lives. And we have created masks to wear in the world, some bigger than others, not even aware of this. These masks are there to hide our fears, vulnerability, and the dark sides of ourselves we are having trouble accepting. 

The refusal to wear a mask has been connected with narcissism, and that is not surprising as thease are people who suffer from self hate, self dislike, low self esteem and self worth. But most likely they were also called special, and capable of anything. The two things did not go along so they went on acepting the mask of being special and wonderful, but also incapable of resonating or empathising with others, and deepl inside feeling bad. They became experts on being the center of attention. They are able to be charmers and atract caring and vulnerable people to their side, people they then treat badly and with no respect – making those others experience what they are feeling inside.

They become specialists in making others vulnerable, so it matches their own inner vulnerability, which they have to hide. So wearing a physical mask unconsciously becomes an admission of vulnerability. Something they can’t admit.

Here we are at the beginning of a new year, and I know what we all desire at this time of the year: New me, a new diet, new resolutions, a new set of future plans, let's set goals, let's be determined, etc!

We all also know where typically all that ends up... in the trash, in the 'giving up basket'. So why we do it?

Why do we get so geared up at this time of the year? For most of us, it is the worse time of the year to have any motivation to be outside for example, with darker days and the cold and miserable weather! 

But we do it, and we do it because we all have this inner need to fail! Really, we do! Either failure or pain! Because let's be realistic: The ones who succeed have mostly done it through a serious determination that gave them some level of pain and discomfort.

I read somewhere we can be addicted to trauma, and it made me think: Yes we can! We can indeed be addicted to being victims, to failure, pain, misery, etc. This is what I talk about to my clients as preferring to be in a dirty nappy then having it changed because the dirty nappy has now become warm, cozy and one gets used to that as normal. So the idea of changing into a clean, cold nappy and the process of it can be uncomfortable for some babies. 

Society and parenting feeds us with so much of this:  No pain, no gain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Pain and suffering are part of human existence. You have to suffer for your looks. We are all sinners - beliefs that bring up guilt, shame, and all sorts of issues over being born evil.  We have to suffer for our redemption. So much more can be added here, but you get the picture and I am sure you have some of your own to be added here.

The big issue with all this is that these beliefs make us powerless and with the illusion of having no choice. It takes us back to the child position where the trauma happened. The trauma that inflicted pain and carries on being relived almost as out of respect and in fact loyalty to our parents/carers who we love no matter what and who as a child we had to keep as 'good' and therefore as a consequence we as 'bad'. 

But are we really this powerless? Do we really have no choice? What if I tell you we do! It might not be easy to claim it or even to trust that the answer to the healing we need is indeed in us, but it is! The power is in you and me! The choice is ours! The power is our spirit/soul connection and in the changes which we implement slowly in retraining our mind. The mind that has learned all these lies and believes they are truths and therefore they become our reality.

I am not saying setting goals is wrong, if that suits you. But look deeper into why you need them. And look even deeper into how you are planning to achieve them. 

Every time I see someone going through serious pain – exercising for example – I see self-punishment. I see a lack of self-acceptance and self-love in all the restrictive diets people have their bodies go through. Does anyone really like that pain? And does getting fitter, healthier, slimmer really need to mean pain and restrictions, depriving oneself of the simple pleasures of life, like food? No!

So where I am going here? 

I want you to consider wishing for a better version of yourself, a more whole, healed, happier person. I want you to wish for that career, job change, retraining, promotion, the type of relationships that are healthy, loving, and with space for mutual growth and set your serious intention in achieving it. I want you to make the right choices to achieve it, not wait on your sofa for it magically to happen. 

I want you to see them as potentials but not goals. When we focus on goals we are focusing on the future and putting too much emphasis and expectations on achieving that. As if one can only become happy when they get into that dress size or get that job, or have that relationship. But it should not be like that! One has to enjoy the journey of getting to where we want, as pain-free as possible.

But I mostly want you to be kind and work deeply on your self-acceptance, on the acceptance of your past and your story. I want you to learn to know yourself, to understand who you are and why you are this way. I want you to reflect on your actions, reactions, interactions, life choices in the past and present, friend choices, partner choices, and so on. 

I want you to analyze your thoughts and beliefs, and ask yourself what is really yours, what has been adopted from others, what serves you, and what doesn't. Here I want you to be ruthless in making new choices! I want you to only carry on with the thoughts that are kind and uplifting and productive for you, that you truly believe in. 

I want you to learn to set boundaries and say no's. Lots of no's to all the people who take you for granted with no respect. Rethink all your past and present choices, but don't feel guilty or regret over them if they were not healthy for you. Look back with kindness and unconditional love towards yourself, you did not know any better! But you can now! 

So open your eyes, heal, change your mindset. And don't feel you are alone, you are not! Don't feel like an outsider or weird and don't hesitate in asking for help, for guidance, for support. Read the books that speak to you, listen to voices that resonate, go for therapy (all great self investments). Set yourself free!

So this new year where we are again asked to stop or slow down, when 'in' is the new 'out', stop focusing on your image, your external achievements, the size of your waist, the salary of your new job, the success of the new business or career! The fact it feels like we are wasting so much time... And go in, within, and reflect deeper! Heal deeper! 2020 gave us this opportunity but most of us struggled with adapting. Now we are tired of it all but it is not the time to be out, the time is still to be in! After that inner work comes the answers, the creativity, the rebirth, the new stronger whole you! And then is when this 'me' time, this isolation, will no longer be seen as a waste of time but seen as the best time.

Remember the world might be very chaotic, and messed up, and fearful and untrusting. But this world does not exist alone, we are part of it and it represents and reflects our own issues within ourselves and with our own relationships, the anger, the trauma, the defense mechanisms, etc. So is too big of a task to think of fixing the world but we can 'fix' ourselves and our own worlds, like the close relationships we have with family and friends. 

With self-healing, comes understanding and with choices comes ownership and responsibility. When most of us reach this stage, this self-awareness, then the world will also heal. That is the true awakening we are looking for! True awaking comes from a self-awareness of our shit, not pointing fingers at others and blame of others for our own circumstances. We are not innocent children any longer with no choice! We are adults, with inner powers bigger than we imagine. We are gods, co-creators of this reality. Create a healthy inner reality and be part of co-creating an amazing new world for us all.

Emptiness - The start of a new year maybe even a era

                                                     Formation of emptiness by lora-zombie on DeviantArt

A hole in soul.   www.instagram.com/lorazombie Formation of emptiness

Emptiness. Let's reflect on this... as humans, we all have experienced it. That feeling inside of something missing... Sometimes misread as hunger making us overeat, drink, smoke, etc. Sometimes making us feel depressed or even anxious, with this sense that something is missing, something is not right or that we are not right.

But what is it? Many things, and all mostly related to our upbringing, our main carer(s),  the healthy mirror we got or not, the nourishment (physical and emotional), and attachment issues we developed then. All this will lead us to make life choices that might not suit us or be healthy for us. All these are issues, behaviours and beliefs worth exploring, and understood in therapy, so you can ask yourself: Do I agree with this? And if not, maybe it’s time to choose something different?

Someone finds themselves in a job with no meaning, so when they pay the bills, for example, they feel no sense of purpose in doing so. Feel unhappy, wasting their lives with no passion or spark.  Do you recognise it? Have you felt like that? 

First of all, we have misinterpreted the word ‘emptiness’. The feeling of emptiness doesn't necessarily mean lack! It is our nature to fill up gaps and empty spaces, as it is in Nature. But we are doing it wrong!

In Nature, an empty ground or let's say an area that just had a fire and is all destroyed is seen by us as dead and/or empty. There is nothing there! We feel driven to bring things in to bring life back, to make it acceptable, pretty, etc. But the true reality is that empty ground doesn't need anything! Nature in itself has it all and, given time, within that burned soil there will be life restarting, and soon Nature will take over.

Yes, my dears, so will that 'empty space' of yours! The issue here is we have this expectation that we have to have a purpose, find happiness, be fulfilled, successful, etc and we forget the most important thing is to connect with our true nature: Soul! 

Soul has it all! All the potential for healing, happiness, fulfilment, etc. And all we need is to invite it in to fill that space! Trust me, when you connect with your soul that is our essence you connect with the Divine in you. You will never be empty or alone and you will find the guidance you need to find the life you should be living for yourself.

What we see as empty is not empty at all, ever. Look at a black hole. It looks like pure emptiness but we know it is everything. 

We are exactly that. We are nothing, with the inner potential of becoming anything and everything! This understanding and consciousness is called by Buddhists ‘Enlightenment’. I am no Buddhist and I don't meditate for hours on end sitting under a cherry tree but I have experienced it, similar to the experience of near-death for some, and this was indeed the purest, most beautiful experience/consciousness I have ever encounter.

So when you feel that emptiness, don't try to fill it up. Let it be, stay with the feeling `— even the pain in silence — and go within, go as deep as you can go and invite soul, invite the spirit, invite guidance. Sooner or later it will come and you will create! You will create solutions and you will find the answers to your questions.

We are living in an era where society has been fighting boredom within childhood and I believe this is having some consequences to all the new generations after the ones like me who had to cope with being bored alone! 

You see, a child these days says he is bored and he is given a game to play, a class to go to, a film, a mobile, etc. In my time we had to invent, create a way to entertain ourselves with anything or nothing, sometimes by even creating imaginary friends to play with. 

Creativity is our connection with our Divinity! We dream it, imagine it and therefore create it. Just like the Divine created and creates everything. Let's not forget we have been created in its image. All artists know this and talk about the creative flow being like as the purest channel of Divinity: their true selves. One reason most artists don’t like their own creations is that they are all images of the creator (themselves) and we struggle with our reflection, due to all the issues we have with self-love and self-acceptance.

So next time you feel that emptiness, don't try to fill it up by doing things (or with things themselves). Instead, reflect on it, get help to explore it, go within and invite your true self — soul — to come and fill it and express itself as the wonderful being you are!

So today, as it is the first day of the year, it can be seen as an empty day to set intentions, to dream, to wish what will become a reality, your creation. Remember you create your reality based on your fears, beliefs and past experiences. You have a choice to change from fear to trust: you can check if your beliefs are yours and if they are healthy for you; you can look at your past experiences and choose to leave them in your past. By doing so you will be creating a new reality in your present life, surely a much more positive, healthy and happy life. One not based on achievements or life positions but based on a sense of self that will fill you up with great self-esteem and self-worth, from within. 

Let's make this New Year a new start where we go back to basics and what really matters! I believe 2020 gave us the biggest opportunity of boredom and as a consequence, I am seeing so much creativity appearing in our community that I am hopeful this can be a great start. Let's not lose the momentum and instead let's carry on this wave of creative reinvention, unity, compassion, respect and love. 

Namaste, Maria x

Powerlessness in the mist of having no control - A reflection on 2020

Not having control takes me into my inner child and back to what childhood represents for me within my story.

So one can say I grew up having to live with it and learning to cope or better endure it. One would also expect to become used to this feeling, of not having a choice or knowing what to expect next. In many ways I have. I have grown to become quite controlling in my own life, very able, self capable, independent, etc. And above all, I had to find something to give that control to and have trust in it. When you feel you not in control or can control as the little child or the adult human, there is only one way. And that way is to trust that someone/something has that control, is in control! And we have to also learn to trust that all that ever happens is simply another piece of the puzzle (life) we have no full view of. The big truth is we never that in control, ever! We just think we are! We might have a bit of control on very closed things to us, but not much else...

2020 has been one the most challenging years for the human race because exactly that: All that was certain to us was taken away. The illusion of control was lost! The truth reality came alight and it is scary! Nothing is certain! Nothing is forever, permanent, constant or reliable. And life is extremely fragile!

In 2019 I heard many talking about 2020 being the year of 20 x 20 vision! They were not wrong! It has been indeed the year where veils have fallen down, the true colours of our leaders have been shown! Never fake-news became so relevant to the reality of the life we live, so desperately sticking blame. We saw the impact of the pollution on cities being lifted in the lockdowns, the animals moving more freely. We got angry over the unfair treatment of a fellow human, just because of his race and we reflected and got better informed over the big picture behind it all... We concluded we can indeed work from home successfully, and bosses wondered of the need for all the expensive offices... New ways got to be found with adapting doing so many things. Shop owners got creative, business got creative. People came together, communities came together. Some governments with good leaders shone as some others failed... People got united and then got tired and frustrated... We got to see the real mess! We got to consider what is really important in our lives. The heath, the family, the friends, the support networks we need to have. We got to value so many simple things taken for granted before. Local small business got more support, etc...

This year has given us all, mostly a chance to reconsider our lives, careers, passions and what truly matters. The excuse of not having time was discarded, no longer able to be applied. The inverse came to be normal, as we all isolated at home for months...  We had time to reflect, rethink, reconsider, organise, clear, clean, create... We also got time to be caught out in the mess of fake news and fake creation, opinions and misinformation that has created more issues than solutions. That is ironic, as all they claim to be is the truth! The way to open your eyes, be awaken, stand for our unique selves and autonomy and against been manipulated, controlled and followers of a system. 

Interestingly 2020 adds to a 4 and here I am adding a couple of meanings easily found online: 

"In Numerology number 4 is a conscientious number with a focus on long-term security. In Numerology number 4 is a number of focus - a focus on building a secure foundation for the future. (...) It can be a lot of work. 4 is adequately equipped for the work with its ability to focus on the details of the steps required to reach specific goals." https://affinitynumerology.com/number-meanings/number-4-meaning.php#maincontentcontinue

"First, we have to say that 4 is the number of justice and stability that you need to keep in your life. This number also resonates with loyalty, patience, wisdom and trust... number 4 may also symbolize your aspirations and passions that you have. Number 4 can be a symbol of honesty and loyalty as well." https://angelnumber.org/what-does-the-number-4-mean-in-the-bible/

Tarot card 4 - The Emperor sits on a ram adorned throne, a symbol of Mars. He holds an ankh sceptre in his right hand, and a globe, symbol of domination, in his left. The Emperor sits atop a stark, barren mountain, a sign "sterility of regulation, and unyielding power".

Meaning: this card is suggestive od stability and secure life. You are on top of things and everything is under your control. It is your hard work, discipline and self-control that have bought you this far. It means that you are in charge of your life now setting up your own rules and boundaries. 

Upright card - keywords: Authority, Father figure, law and order, leadership, power, promotion.

Reverse card - keywords: Control freak, Immaturity, Lack of discipline, Loss of authority, Manipulative friends

Don't you think is interesting that we indeed have experienced all these themes?

'a focus on building a secure foundation for the future' Never a year has given us so much time and opportunities to see all the cracks and neglects of our society! 2020 might not be a year of solutions but is definitely the year of questions and reconsideration. We indeed need to start building a secure foundation for our future! This year is a bit like the tower in the tarot, the collapse of beliefs, structures, etc.

 '4 is the number of justice and stability that you need to keep in your life. This number also resonates with loyalty, patience, wisdom and trust... number 4 may also symbolize your aspirations and passions that you have. Number 4 can be a symbol of honesty and loyalty as well' I love this! Fighting for justice and stability! Yes, we are no way near a society with this as priority! All the rest also makes sense, the need for loyalty that has been missed, patience, wisdom and trust that has been missing being inspired by our governments. Aspirations and passions that we need to reconnect, reinvent or create will be essential!

Now we can also look at the tarot card of the Emperor and also see so much resonating but even more for some of us, what we been experiencing is the not the Emperor in its full glory but his shadow self, the hidden side of power:  ' Control freak, Immaturity, Lack of discipline, Loss of authority, Manipulative friends'  Doesn't this resonate with the reality so many of us are living with our governments and the importance of real directions to follow, instead of misleading advise and confused headlines, plus all the truths going on behind closed doors... with favouritism; misleading; lying; incompetence, etc

Fascinating I would say! 

But now let's go back to Control! And the title of this blog... When one doesn't feel in control, one feels powerless! A big reminder of this is when one is faced with death for example. And this year I have lost a few... when one gets ill and is not in your hands being able to help or cure is as extremely difficult experience to handle. When someone is unwell mentally and there is not enough support in society is devastating... When we lost jobs for no fault of our own; when there is no money for the next bill or meal that is seriously scary! But I beg you to accept not having control, but not feeling powerless! Here is where trust and faith come in! No, don't sit on the sofa feeling sorry for yourself and depressed!! Go and ask for help! No human is that alone! We are not a desert islands in the middle of a big ocean, there is always someone! Something possible! We have to try finding help, a solution. And then we have to trust a solution will appear and most times it will. Ask! Look...

Faith is the biggest holder when we not in control! Faith that something bigger then us that is also part of us is there to support us. That it is powerful and so all is possible, we are part of it so we are also powerful!

Trust that all this is a unique opportunity for humanity to heal and change, and remember it starts with you! Your healing, your change. You and me taking responsibility and working on ourselves, our values, our dreams, aspirations. You and I can make a difference and if we get enough of us doing the same. Be the example, don't wait for change but instead be the change. 

Oh yes if there wasn't enough 4's already here, apparently, on the 10th January, we had a full moon eclipse in Cancer and today a full moon again in Cancer - Full circle! Cancer that is a number 4  as it rules the 4th house in Astrology., and had the moon as its ruling planet. A zodiac that stands for home and family ... (you can find more on Cancer here: https://www.allure.com/story/cancer-zodiac-sign-personality-traits

To a great 2021!  That, by the way, is a 5... "... in the Mayas number 5 has been considered the symbol of perfection. Also, it is believed that number 5 is a symbol of grace, that is associated with the human body: we have 2 legs, 2 arms and 1 head... " https://angelnumbersmeaning.com/angel-number-5-meaning-and-symbolism/

In the Tarot card 5, it is the Pope: " The Hierophant is seen seated on a throne between two pillars symbolising law and liberty or obedience and disobedience. He wears a triple crown, and the keys to Heaven are at his feet. 

Meaning: Hierophant stands for tradition and convention. It can represent marriage in an arranged setup. It can also mean a teacher or counsellor who will help in learning/education of the querent.

Upright card (keywords): Education, learning, marriage, religion, seeking counsel or advise, spiritual guidance, tradition.

Reverse card (keywords): Abuse of position, breakdown, poor counsel, rejection of family values.

Definitely some food for thought into this new year, and what to expect... Remember you also have the power to create
your own reality based on where your attention lies!

Thank you for reading! Let's make 2021 an interesting, more positive, loving and united year for all of us.

Restarting Blogging 21-12-2020

Hi to you all, 

I have now revised and given some TLC to all my posts here and I am in the mood of being back!

2020 has been a year where more then once I thought I should be saying things, I should be sharing some of my knowledge, understanding and skills/tools of navigating life difficulties. But instead, I was feeling like not wanting to talk at all. Twice I did a video on my Facebook page but I didn't felt motivated to do more. But something has shifted in the last few weeks, time to reinvent! 

I renamed an old group into - Mentoring with Maria - and attached it to my page. Time to indeed share! And then I came here and decided to also restart this blog. At the same time, I am also relaunching my book - The Seven Lies of the Human Race. I really feel and believe there are so much information and tools so relevant to these present times and with so much information to the self-understanding one needs to heal and improve our lives, so we can indeed be part of this new beginning, era transitions and difficult times, reinventing new suitable ways to live our future lives healing this planet and having a much lower negative impact on it. Time to take responsibility for our ways! For this, we need self-understanding! 

So I am excited here!! 

Today is the 21-12-2020 a 10 = 1 New beginnings! We are all aware there is this two amazing planets coming together this evening in Aquarius and how this will influence all of us! How this indeed will be shifting things and support the changes needed for the future we need to create.

But please, stop taking this as an overnight change! No light winning, no big Aquarius era! Yes, we are in transit into it, no doubt! But we not yet officially there, we need to wait for... "Bottom line: The Age of Aquarius begins when in March equinox point moves out of the constellation Pisces and into the constellation Aquarius. But there's no definite answer as to when that will be" by https://earthsky.org/human-world/when-will-the-age-of-aquarius-begin

Let's be realistic and not think this is the magic saver of the 'new era of Aquarius!' that we (within the spiritual aware), been waiting just like any other religion we have issues with has been wait for their saver!

That we are in its transition (for some time) - yes - but not yet in it!!

Let's stop projecting messiahs coming back to save us or the birth of new one tonight!! Or that this is a start of some blissful era! There will be no bliss until we and only we stop fighting within ourselves, looking for rescuers, and someone or something to blame and playing victims!! Until we know ourselves enough, have the awareness behind our behaviours, thoughts, choices, denials, transferences, projections we can not be at peace or create the peaceful, loving world we so desire.

No one and no cosmic event can bring peace on earth and fix the mess we have created and have allowed being created! Not even God, the Divine, any Angel or Saint or any Alien on the many galaxies out there.

Let’s grow up!! And stop blaming our parents, our societies and our leaders (that we don’t really have) for how messed up we all are!

Yes, they are at fault! Most of us didn’t have a good enough parenting and society and politics have become the worse example of what parenting should be… but we need to also see beyond it, they were the product of their own parents, society beliefs. Is our responsibility now, as awaken and aware human beings to stop passing that trauma, repeating their own mistakes or worse just live in extreme opposition to it all. Extremes are not the answer they both as damaging!

“While Jupiter signifies generosity and fortunate opportunities, it can also lead to egoic greed and delusions of grandeur that requires the contemplative focus of Saturn to trim the excess and strengthen what is ready to ripen. At the same time, we need the inspirational revitalization of Jupiter to mediate the negative side of Saturn that can bring fear over limitations and obstacles and lead to depressive stagnation.” https://www.astrology.com/article/great-conjunction-saturn-conjunct-jupiter-in-aquarius-2020

“Vitally, not only will Jupiter and Saturn be uniting in Aquarius, they will also be forming a catalytic square aspect with Uranus in Taurus. At this pivotal moment in our journey, the lightning bolts of Jupiter and Uranus will not only bring down old societal structures but will also impel us to release old personal dreams and drama we have been attached to. There will be new challenges and unknown potential arising as we begin a new era of Jupiter and Saturn that we will need to make space for in our lives. During 2020 ask yourself what you need to leave behind and what you truly desire to carry forward.”

https://www.astrology.com/article/great-conjunction-saturn-conjunct-jupiter-in-aquarius-2020

Thank you for reading

The poem... 23-2-13

23-2-13 this was the date I did a psychic practice Workshop where I did this poem and I was told about a new guide of mine, a philosopher and that my guides had different ideas for what I was supposed to be doing. That writing or teaching could be a possibility. Three days after I was planing the contents of my book and the name was so obvious: The seven lies of the Human race. 

The lying parent. 21-2-13

If I told you we are a bunch of liars living in a world where we teach laying to our children from day one? How would you feel? I know is not one to easily swallow but a true never the less. Ok, I better explain myself or I can see you leaving this Blog right now :) 

We lie to ourselves, we lie to each other, when we say we are ok and we are not, we are lying when we pretend whatever that it is so we fit in or to be liked or whatever- we lying! When we say sorry and we don't really mean it; when we say I love you and we don't really mean it; when we pretend we getting along with something but we not... We are lying. You see we live a life of constant lying. This is big and this is serious. We feel we can not be ourselves, we feel we are not good or worth enough, so we pretend and we lie. Lie about the salary, the car, the family, the job, the friends, the upbringing, the looks, the everything that might be possible to pretend and lie about. The list is endless.

We have learned this from our parents and we pass this one to our children. When for example things were not well between mum and dad, and we got worried. But we were possibly told: "No is ok, mum is ok." When obviously it wasn't. We all forget that the child can feel it is something wrong, but if it is told it is alright, she will think she is wrong. This child can then grow up not to trust their feelings because they were 'wrong' when in fact they were right. Instead, this child should have heard the truth, simply: "yes mum and dad is not ok, but we are trying to work it out as adults, this is not for you to worry and this is not about you. We both love you very much. Now go to bed, or go to play..."

Now we have another big issue with boundaries, children are told 'no' but they have learned that if they become very, very persistent they can eventually get it. So no wonder a teenager, young adult or a man when he hears the girl say no, thinks if I persist, really persist I know I will get it because no doesn't really means no, does it? Again what are we passing on? 

Boundaries and discipline are very important in the upbringing of children, of heathy secure children. Children without it get, agitated, unrested, demanding and unhappy. Children need to know where to stop, where are the limitations and they need an adult who is loving but firm. A parent should never think that is the child mate or best friend, for that, is not what the child needs, that might be what the parents needs, but that is something that the parent will have to address and get help with. A lot of parents and mums became mums/parents because of their own need of love, unconditional love, and they feel a baby, a child can give that to them. Now imagine the responsibility that this child comes in the world with. 

You might be thinking, who you to be saying all this, are you even a parent? In fact, I am and no I am not perfect, for that is not what the child needs either. Do I have a degree in children Psychology or in raising children? No, I don't! I have become a mum with no experience, but I follow my instinct, my common sense, I did it all from a place of Love and practicality but as well with determination and boundaries. For me a no, always meant a no. But sometimes there were maybes and if's and we can sometimes negotiate and compromise with some older children. Becoming a parent made me aware of myself, my limitations, my issues and helped me explore and learn lots.

Children need to be told as it is in a form that is appropriated for them, they might not need all the truth or all the story but they should not be lied to or pretended that something is what is not. I child should not be used as companions, friends, listeners, confidant, carers or assume parenting roles and they should not have at all to take sides in parents or families confrontations. 

Mostly, children need real people as parents, adults that are loving and have time for them. That gives them attention and quality time. That they set boundaries and expectation. Rules and that they are truthful at all times. An adult needs to stay an adult but be able to be in touch with their inner child to get on with playful times, to be empathic to the child needs. At the same time as the adult, he should be able to admit errors and have talks with their children. We came from a generation of parents who never admit being wrong or any wrongdoing, let now find a balance but not go to the extreme of apologising for being you and not giving any more of yourself. 

You and I can only do our best, with great achievements and some failure, that is normal and is being human. At the end of the day, none of this can guarantee children with no problems or traumas, for even the ones who have it all will always feel they miss on something. Because it Is not about the reality but about the perceptions and interpretation of the child, of the other and that is our children unique choice and individuals lessons. We can only be sincere and real to ourselves and others and became more and more aware of ourselves.     

Awareness, self-awareness for me is the biggest key in my own experience. I become a therapist for that reason and I can imagine my child, now in her teens complaining about having a mother as a therapist who is aware of what is behind so much... It all started when she was a toddler and I become aware I was losing my temper and becoming my own carer... The biggest fright when you look at the mirror and see your not nice mother! 

So I sought help, I knew this was not right and not about her, this took me deeper into my self-understanding and my journey into training as a therapist, something I was already interested. Today these skills help me immensely, my child is doing ok but not all is perfect. Never is, and we not aiming at perfection for that does not exist. She has anxieties and issues and I have to be aware of how to deal with it. How to give and support but still say no. 

I too know how easy is to say yes, and give in! I know I agree with so much more and give so much more because I did not have it. But we need to create limits and become aware that whatever way we act and interact with them that is all they have as an example to take for their future life. If we give and give easily they will think that the world and life are like that. They will have even more expectations and that is something we all struggling in this society because of that. Children need to be taught to value things and have respect. I am a believer in respect. Respect for people, animal, nature and things. Yes things, deserve respect too. No clothes on the floor, or uncared for. All things need and deserve to be cared for at all times. Only like this can we bring up kids that have respect for this planet, for each other, for the parents and the elderly.

In a society of consumerism and image we the parents have a hard job and the most important job in giving this future generation the skill of self-love, self-worth, self-acceptance, respect, empathy, and that can only come from example. Us practising exactly that, us getting help, physiologic help. I believe we parents should be more supported by this society. Have more help with the tools to be better at what we do. For starters, we need therapy available, courses on self-awareness, on self-esteem, on common
sense! 

Thanks for reading. 

21-2-13