New ways of trauma from 'soft' parenthood...

I am a mother and a therapist so for some time I have become even more aware of what can and can not cause some psychological troubles in the future. I am not any better or worse than anyone else but I am very conscious of the outcome of some of my actions and behaviours. So because of this, I have learned to be real and in touch with my inner darkness and able to admit when I fail, and I do! Plus the real needs of a child: love, boundaries and being allowed to be children in a world that is forcing them to grow far to fast.

It is important for any child and adult that we are able to admit when we do wrong. Is not about saying sorry, for that means nothing, especially if you carry on doing the same things. But is about exploring and understanding what really happens and what needs to be done to change it and prevent it from happening again. And seek help when needed!

Of course not always this is easy to be achieved and I am no dreamer, but I do know as well that it is important and essential to healthy parenthood and a positive upbringing of our children into the next generation.

Children do Not need a Perfect parent, mother and/or father, they simply need an authentic Good Enough parent, mother and/or father. And yes the mother role is essential but so is the father role that has now become, more than not, an absent figure even when he is around.

Men have become so intimidated and confused over what is expected and what is 'right' or 'wrong' they either can't cope with the responsibility or they take it in a confusing manner. Like trying to be their child best friend or mate.

I live in an area of London where I am exposed to two very different types of parenting:

One comes from a more deprived area full of decedents of African and Jamaican people, where there is a lot of teenager pregnancies, single mums, absent fathers and very dismissible mothers. Some of this is due to some of their cultures, where giving away children to other members of the family or neighbours is fine and accepted, as it is leaving them alone at home or being cared by brothers and sisters so their parents or mothers can go to work or simply go and do their hair or nails...

Obviously, this kind of parenting and circumstances are causing a lot of damaged children and young adults, that have no sense of belonging and most have no father figure to look up or respect. Boundaries here are few and mostly kept and enforced by violence and fear but not so much as respect and admiration or pride for their parents.

This children are victims of these parenting techniques but as well of a society that lacks in helping and addressing their needs and instead discriminates them and punishes them for being or becoming who they are.

These children become angry adults not because they 'bad' but because they in pain! A life of neglect and rejection does that to you! The hurt in them is making them 'attack' and scream, so they are heard and get some attention even if this means a negative one. But no one is listening, or very few, and they are failed over and over again for coming and being part of this world.

The other type of parenting comes from middle-class youngish parents. They educated and around between the late '20s and early '30s even though in some cases fathers might be quite older. Some look like the young couple settling down and ready to start a family and others look like people who have created a career, travelled and now they want to settle to have the kids. They look very smart casual and educated, and they look alike!

This type has present fathers at work and mother that meet in cafes for coffee with their babies and their super big prams!

They have their babies doing yoga from birth and practising in some king of music class... and later they will have the kids busy doing lots of different things! These mothers do exercise classes in the park with the prams! They called the trend 'Pram runners'! And after a few months, they probably will get a private instructor too.

All this is fine, if it wasn't first for the type of prams they using, that either is keeping everyone else out of the pavement so that these mums use it. With no apology or thankfulness for it, most of the time, but instead they have this look of entitlement and total dismiss of the world around them. They belong to their own world.  Or they for sure creating big traumas with these prams for these children!

First, we got the big three welled cross country, then they become double with an up and down child place... Poor kid has to be the one under the brother or sister without a proper vision of the world! What message is this giving? What is this child view of the world and their relationship with the other child? In some cases is the youngest on top and so taking over by being the latest addition to the family and the one on top, literally! And in others when the youngest stay in the bottom, having always to be second best and forever competing to grown and become like the older child. Wow, do they even know what they are doing?

And then there are the super high ones, (the designer one at a cost of £850!), where children are and possibly feel like they 10ft above the ground. They not even contained and secure properly, unless they fully strapped! And even so, this is traumatizing to any eye looking to this child being so high completely 'detached' (when they grow) from this pram that is only holding them by the straps. Scary! Again what message will this give? The insecurity, the natural fear of highs...
oh yes, so they see the world and become high chairs automatically! (The designers claim).

Now there is more... On Saturdays is mothers day off mostly and so the fathers are out in town! They strapped with babies on their chests or/ and with some toddler, on a scooter, that they treat as 'mate' and/or as a friend! Believe me, I have heard it!! - 'mate' What is this about? How can a 3 or 5 years old be your mate? Friend? He is your child! You the adult! Not a friend and not a mate! He needs to see you as a parent and an adult and not as equal. Equal are the other kids in the playground! Otherwise don't be surprised by him treating you like one of the other kids, because he will!

The mothers are not any better! 'Do you love mummy?' 'what do you want for tea?' 'ice cream? Again darling? Oh... Maybe only if you have a few bits of the organic chicken.' 'I WANT ICE CREAM!!' 'ok darling, mummy will give you ice cream, but just today and you have to promise to eat the chicken tomorrow, ok?' 
I few weeks ago I saw a child in a pram asking for the crisps that apparently the mother had finished. The way that this mother went on apologizing to this small kid was so beyond any apology I ever heard from an adult over something enormous. I was shocked and overwhelmed with it. Again, who is the adult and who is the child?

Yesterday I was in a cafe where these two small kids were doing this banging and one of the mothers after a good while went to him, went down on his level (that is good) but instead of being assertive and tell him to stop she wasn't! She asked please, and could you please do this for mummy....'
Help! I hear myself! What is this all about? How can these people go from such extremes!

These are parents with insecurities who wish to be liked by their kids. They sound like very educated people who probably came from quite well off families, of working parents who probably give them material things but not the attention or time. These young parents want now to give all the attention and love to these kids but they scared of their children disliking them like they dislike their parents so they overcompensate. And this will be the parents that as soon as this mothers might go back to work for financial reasons or her own career, they again will be full of guilt for not spending quality time with their kids and will overcompensate and spoil and not teach the real value of things. And possibly repeating the trauma down generations as well.

They have no idea of boundaries and the need of a parent to stay in the parent role and not at all as the best friend of this child. What scares me is that I see these creating traumas, but unlike the first type of parenting, I talked about, that we all know about and know the reasons and the answers and still fail them. With this case, I don't think we know much and I wonder what kind of adults these children will become? Expecting all to be their way, what big disappointments will they have in life?

With so unbounded lives how will they adapt with schools and society where is need to follow roles and where they will be like everyone else and not anymore the super special mummy's boy or girl.

Are we creating a new society of narcissists? Where they believe they are the centre of the world? Where they feel super special and all will be about looks and material belongings, instead of self-worth, self-esteem, self belief and empathy and love for the self and others?

Isn't it this that we seeing already around us? A society and a form of parenting that focuses on 'doing' all the classes and being super busy and stressed from so young, as well as 'having'. Having all that they wish or think they wish in the hope of fulfilling an emptiness that comes from lack of worth and self. Instead, we should be teaching these kids to 'BE', simply be a kid! A child playing, loved, cared, listen and disciplined. To be is to learn to be happy with your own company, being creative, open, confident. And to be aware of others as unique individuals just like yourself, with the same needs and feelings. Kids can do this very well! When they are shown as an example. 

I wish these parents would read about this and realise what they are doing. Like I said, in the beginning, is all about becoming aware and understanding. To be conscious about what we are creating with our action or lack of them. A child needs love, respect and boundaries. To have unconditional love for who they are not for their behaviour. - Stop saying 'good boy/girl or bad' for they neither! Instead, they are both and that is fine! Is always the behaviour, not the child!
They need to know what to expect and what is expected of them.

We, not a parent to be liked, we a parent to love and believe me a child will always love you back. They need to feel secure. They do not need you to be their friend! For you not! If you do a good enough job when they become young adults you will have a friend as well as a son or a daughter. Because you will have a great, close relationship build in love, respect, pride and understanding of both sides.
It is important to be real to kids and tell them as it is. Avoiding telling them things will never help. Children can always know when something is wrong, so be sincere! They never too young you just have to find a way to tell them in their own language.
I really wish more parents in this generation could see this and take responsibility, but I have no idea how this will be done... Would love to hear comments... Thank you for reading!

I just found this article after I finished writing this and was googling some photos: 'My soft parenting has made monsters of my children'
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2101786/My-soft-parenting-monsters-children.html#ixzz1yeETw8Ms

"What’s more, my husband and I are to blame. Instead of teaching our children discipline and boundaries, we, like many modern middle-class parents, have tried to reason with them instead."

WHO KNEW?

Twenty-five per cent of adults are so afraid of upsetting their children they do not discipline them!

Road to peace... my experience...

I went to see the launch of this documentary this week and what a lovely experience it was.
To see this wonderful man in 2008 travelling around the UK just as he is doing it now.
As we were all watching this in a full cinema, many lucky people were seeing him live in the Royal Albert Hall that same evening.

I felt very touched by realising something so beautiful, powerful and simple in this man. The power of his own 'humanism'. Not sure I can call this but what I mean is he came across as a very grounded human being. A holy man who is in touch with himself, the world and who takes things seriously but not in a serious manner.

I thought this was so inspiring! This unique way that I have seen before in very special people: able to say something profound and important and next joke about something completely oblivious and out of context. I believe this is an important quality of very spiritual people and holy teachers.
You see they have messages that are supposed to simply be heard by our unconscious (our soul) so they don't spend too much time elaborating in answers and explanations unless totally necessary.

I found this an amazing technique that I have luckily experienced first hand by meeting every year a Sufi teacher that is the easiest, funniest Latin man one could meet. But at the same time without explanations, discussions or teachings you just feel his 'presence' and you know things will never be the same within you...

With the Dalai Lama people talked about having so much excitement and anticipation and when he comes into the room is like all is gone... 'emptiness' the bliss of the nothing. I recall in the film him saying: 'if you expecting me to have powers to heal you will be disappointed...' He doesn't care, and at the same time, he cares like no one else ever did. He cares for the injustices and fights for human rights but he doesn't care what we think or say about him, for he knows himself and that is all he needs and matters!

Interesting that at some level he reminds me of the Queen. We just had her Diamond Jubilee commemorations, 60th year as a Queen :)
Again I am touched by this woman so much... I follow her celebrations with so much admiration.

I admire her power in her simplicity, resilience and dedication. Something I feel they both share in similar and different ways. Two 'powerful' people, who have a unique pose, simplicity and great sense of humour 😀 Who both are an inspiration and an example of unselfishness dedication to a country, a cause and their role in the world. Both accept to serve with dignity, pride and love and both don't take themselves seriously or are at all grand in their actions or beliefs, instead, they are very grounded and simple people living amazing lives in service of us all.

I believe they both deserve our entire admiration and dedication plus support.

Realising this about these two people made me think of what I found recently in a website http://personalityspirituality.net where it talks about us souls belonging to different types: King; Priest; Sage; Scholar; Warrior; Artisan; Server. And where they have got the Queen as well as Dalai Lama, Prince Charles, mother Teresa and others as Servers. (http://personalityspirituality.net/articles/the-michael-teachings/the-seven-roles-in-essence/the-server-soul/)

'Server souls embody an energy of service, care and helpfulness. As with Priest souls, the consciousness of Servers is inspiration-oriented. But whereas Priests seek to inspire the masses, Servers seek to improve the lot of individuals in more hands-on, down-to-earth ways. They are naturally caring and helpful souls who live to be of benefit to others.'

'Servers tend to be sweet-natured, caring, hospitable, unassuming and humble. Compared to other soul types, they can be described as “mostly harmless”. On top of their good-naturedness, however, they can also look as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. This is because they tend to identify with the misery and suffering of others. However, there is also a general aura of faith in the power of good and a willingness to soldier on. They tend to be very grounded and find it relatively easy to take life’s problems lightly. Old Servers like the Dalai Lama can exude a peaceful, joyful quality, like your ideal grandparent.'

If you at all interested in what type of soul you might be, you can do this free questionnaire here:
http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/atufj3C/Discover-Your-Soul-Type

The other point that touched me in this documentary was that not just he is a simple, grounded man -  his message is simple and truthful. 'You have to change yourself first to change the world' 'you have to be in peace with yourself first, only then can we achieve peace in the world'.

Yes, that is the big truth that people keep not getting. Only by each of us working on ourselves and not on others can we really change anything. We can not change anyone! Only ourselves! Only by each of us taking responsibility for our actions, thoughts and intentions will things change in the whole. Only by accepting and loving all that we are can we become whole. Become whole is holy!

But let us be realistic and aware that all we will do will only be a small contribution to the big picture, the picture that is not for us to see in our lifetime or even our children. Let's not get involved in the illusion that we about to achieve peace on earth just by visualizing and believing that is possible. It is possible, yes but only when we are many, many more awakened and grounded souls ready and this we are not! What we are is wonderful souls starting and carrying a wonderful example of what can be done. So let's carry on! Let's share and get involved and help others wake up to reality. Let's be proud of the responsibility we have in living in such a special, powerful time on this earth, in this universe. Let's carry on the message! Love and light. x

Good and Evil. The recognising of Evil... Can I hurt? Can you?

Mirror of Good and Evil by AntonellaB

There is only one good,
namely knowledge,
and only one evil,
namely ignorance.

Plato








Can any of us become Evil?
What makes us Evil?
Is Good and Evil just part of our nature and in need to simply be understood and accepted as part of all of us?

I know big questions but the kind of that has been playing in my mind...

Hearing about the killing of children and their families this week in Syria, the recent accident in the UK of a fire in a house that killed all the 5 or 6 children but not the parents and having them now on the news being accused of their deaths, made me wonder about all of this...

Then this week as I am facing my own troubled moments of my own darkness I have my daughter watching one of her favourite film: 'The Lovely Bones', and asking me why the killer does that?

I found myself saying that we don't know - it is hard to imagine what is going on in his mind, but he looks like someone very empty and in need to fill that with the killings. The killings give him a high that lasts for some time as he lives off the memories but with time wears off just like any drug does and he is back in the empty space and in need to kill again.

But what makes one of us become capable of doing exactly that? That is my inner question. Of course, there will be many answers and there are so many layers to it. We complex beings 😉

I feel that one of the reasons is the lack of awareness of our own darkness, as I said in the past we tend to avoid it and not accept it in us and then it can take over and be played/acted out, in situations like the killings in Syria.

Is too easy to judge what kind of man can do this, but what about their own despair? Their own traumas living in a country at war with themselves for the lack of freedom and with no human rights or basic needs met. I believe pain creates pain. It takes someone in pain to inflict pain on another. There is no other way. Anger, rage, frustration, despair all come from a place of defending yourself from further pain! It is self-preservation, is an instinct it comes mostly from the unconscious.

And that is my point, for some time. The need is to bring it all to the conscious level, to know about it, to see it, to understand it, to accept it and give it attention. Yes, that pain needs attention, the wound needs to be healed! Pretending all is ok, and even if it is not, there is not much you can do, so you just have to carry on. It might work for some time, might be the right thing to do for some time to but it will never be the answer.

Only when we stop and really listen to what is going on can we learn about ourselves and what we are about and what we need to do.

Yesterday in a dream an answer for one of the reasons some of us hurt, came to me. Abusers, the kind of people who lose their temper, hit their child or their partner and then say sorry and go and help with the healing of their physical wound.

What came to me is the child or the partner is like an extension of them. They are in pain when they hurt, the other is now in pain just like them, so not stronger or better but the same. When they help with healing of the wound and they give you attention, what they are really doing is doing that to themselves. Doing to you and them what was not done to them in the first place.

I was full of goosebumps when I shared this realisation with my partner yesterday. It makes sense. This is why mothers make their children ill to have attention and to be the 'carer', the good perfect mother they wished to have! For example.

But there are others and I am no expert or detective or psychiatric doctor to diagnose or even try to understand it or justify it. But I am fascinated with this and the need for us all to have some awareness and understanding.

This is a vivid understanding our society needs to have. The enlightenment and the forever bliss so many of us wish or dream of is simply an illusion and a utopia. The reality is here in the world we live in and in the pain we all carry. The answer, as Plato said so many centuries ago, is in knowledge instead of ignorance. And that is my message here: we need awareness and understanding. Only when we accept, embrace and even feed our own demons can we be in control of the evil in us and chose consciously to be Good 😀 x

PS: And as the picture above expresses, our actions are only expressions of the good and evil in us. That in itself it is blind because it is in the unconscious. Life and the world is simply our mirror. 

Good vs Evil by www.isabelcastano.com

I end with this picture that to me represents the choice we all have to bring our own masks forward to the conscious and show our true self!  



    

Full Circle - more self exploration...

Full Circle by Sally Hepler

Sometimes life is just like this we go in circles and sometimes we go in cycles, like seasons...

I tend to have cycles and the number 7 sounds familiar and important to me.

I was 7 months when I was given away (turns out it might have been 14 but that is still 2x7).

Possibly the hardest time in my life was after the age 14 to 21 where all big things happened and life took me to an edge but as well it was when I found my inner strength, my faith and I realised I was and I am a survivor.

Age 21 I moved country, ran away and my self-discovery started even though for years I was lost without knowing any better.

Around age 28 Spirituality started making sense and my sense of self was growing. I believed and trusted in reasons for things, I become part of a development group and I did my Healing training with the NHFS, I turned my life around moving to a new area and started things again... and then I became a mum! 😀💕

Then after 35, I thought it was time for me to do something new, and I started studying and became a qualified counsellor, met my soul twin and have matured and haven't stopped doing self-reflection and getting to know the real me, with this - acceptance have been one of the big parts of this journey.

42 become a continuity of this but my healing gift started taking more of a part in my life and I started running a small healing/mediation group that in fact it is a development group but I never called it that. We just a few and we meet once a month but I value immensely the energy and I feel blessed as well as overwhelmed sometimes with the quality and intensity of it. Thank you, Universe!

Now, 44 we are coming to the 'full circle'! Be careful what you ask! Yes as a teenager I asked to be able to help people, to make a difference.  Possibly my own need to be special and seen as special, my need to be recognized. Something I was not getting! I needed to know and trust that there was a purpose, a purpose for the pain, the emptiness, and the rejection. Otherwise why baring it? What for? Who for?

As a young adult, I started being told by psychics: 'you could be doing what I do', 'you have a gift' but I never really believed it - plus what they did never really attracted me. What I wanted to do with my life was always one of my big mysteries, as was what I wanted from it. Easy to say what I didn't want but never what I wanted. I did so many jobs and tried so many things...

For over a year I have been feeling that I need to do something with all that I can do. I have been volunteering for so many years as a counsellor, and that is great as it has been an amazing experience to be able to help people find themselves and understand who they are. Going on journeys with them is simply great but I wish I could use my healing with it. I just used it with people I know or who ask about it and I feel its time to use it more.

You see that is why I call it full circle - because really what I was given, by asking to be able to touch people, is who I am. And the gift of healing that can come out in many forms, which may be hands-on, absent healing, intention, my listening skills, my empathy or my unconditional love. But a part of me has been running from some of it, especially after my NFSH courses and an overwhelming experience I had giving healing to someone.

Accepting that I might have a gift of healing and able to channel energy that might be able to help someone, which might be physically or at other levels, has been quite hard to embrace. The responsibility was too big to handle. There are always many layers to any issues, and for me, the excuses were that I was young, that people would not take me seriously, that I couldn't charge because it is a gift, etc. But now when I look back I can see that the main issue was and is to accept the 'good' in me - my shadow. (See my other post on the shadow in this blog).

So instead I took time off :) and went to do a few important things... some karmic relationships, some more self-discovery, a daughter! And then I thought that I still really want to do something that will 'touch' people so I found Counseling and - because I studied for it - I felt I could be paid for it.

Now I feel I am back there, where I was - just not so young (no more excuses), and taking myself more seriously and believing more in me. So that should make people see me in a different way for all comes from within 😊 I am ready! Or so I say and want to believe but still a scary cat and an avoider! The difference is that I know I cannot run, and so I am putting myself out there more and paying more attention and hoping doors will open...

Writing this is for my benefit - it is like therapy to me, I am shouting loud so I can hear myself!
   

The Shadow and the darkness of the Soul

Hi to all... been a while... not sure why but brain kind of gone blank with so much inner work 😀


Full circle... if feels I have come around full circle from where I once was to where I am now... but that will be my next post, for now, I want to talk about the Shadow, the darkness of the Soul.

As I have talked before here about day and night, death and life, all these opposite polarities fascinate me and have become a big reality of my own life for some time.

I once too, and for a long time, have played the 'good' girl, the 'good' friend, the 'good' lover... this, I thought, was what was expected of me and that to be liked, accepted and loved I had to fit in and be what was expected of me. With time I realised that is only an illusion created by the lack of self-esteem, self-belief and above all the sense of 'self' we all need to have to be able to live and feel grounded and accepted in the life we once chose to have and the lessons we need to conquer.

The sense of self, I hear you wondering what is that? That is the knowledge of who you really are, what you are about and where you belong, and is a sense of self-acceptance. Unfortunately, lots of us did not have a good enough parent to mirror this to us, so we have to search it all by ourselves.

As we grow up we need to feel accepted, feel loved unconditionally and know where we belong -  where is our place, whatever that is. This is the tribal energy Caroline Myss talks about in so many of her books, the grounding energy, the belonging, the sense of who we are: the sense of self.

When we don't have this we move up to the next level of development wishing to find this in others. We hope that others will give us this: the love, the acceptance we don't have of ourselves - for we have not been shown what that is. Or we will be doing things or achieving things, that will give us this sense of gratification and therefore a sense of happiness and self-worth. Big mistake! For even though all this might give you the gratification, the happiness and the self-belief it will only be temporary! It will not last. And like a drug you will become addicted to doing more and more, instead of addressing what is lacking inside. For all that we ever look for, unless we find it within us, we have not found it. It will only be a temporary illusion.

So now you are thinking, yes that is all very nice and even very true - but if I don't have that sense of self or self-belief, how do I get it?

Umm, how do we get it...? In my experience it is a journey that starts by looking at ourselves fully naked: spiritually and emotionally and, yes, physically too, as we all have issues in liking and accepting who we are and how we look. It is a journey of self-awareness and total acceptance, with our own resistance of course because there will never be an easy way.

Here is where the Shadow comes in. We all grew up being scared of 'evil' and 'dark' and 'bad'. But what I realised over the years is that all of that needs to be embraced within us. For we are not only good or bad - we're both! God, the universe, the source - whatever you might want to call it - is everything, and so are we! The yin and yang, the negative and the positive, the good and the bad, the light and the shadow! So we need to accept that within us! When we look at ourselves that is what we will see and that is what we need to accept and love! For we are all unique loveable humans 😊

Society, and values from religions or families, have taught us to hide the darkness in us, to play the good girl/boy, son/daughter, so we have done that for far too long and that is physically and mentally unhealthy!

We are a society and a generation of angry people. Our parents' generations were angry and we are bringing up and creating future generations of more angry people - and you know what? That is ok! What is not ok - and that we have been told and we keep telling - is that anger is wrong! Anger is not wrong, not any more wrong than love is! I know you are shocked and wondering where I am going with this but it is simply because both are feelings! And as feelings they need to be expressed at the right time, they need to be digested and understood. Not avoided and bottled up or put in a box inside of the psyche. No, not at all. For when we do this we are not in control of it and at any moment it will come out and be misplaced. It will be acted out in relationships with others and essentially with ourselves and in various ways. Not just as outbursts but as a very hidden and typical way: passive aggression!

Another thing the Shadow does is it hides our vision of the true self. I mean, if we're angry for example with the injustice of the world and we misplace that anger and have a big outburst over some small injustice with a neighbour, we might end up hating ourselves for our outburst. We might even resent what we did and as a consequence forget to recognise that we are in fact quite a good neighbour - and that seeking justice can be a very valuable attribute when used adequately. This is very important to realise because the Shadow is not only made of the bad we don't want to see or accept. It is also made of the good we found hard to accept about ourselves because of the beliefs we have been fed as we grew up and still have as adults...        

I sense this is very engraved in our society and belief system and it is one of the most important things needing to be addressed. This is the Shadow, and what comes with the reconnection of its existence within us is what many call the Darkness of the Soul - that place where we face the reality that, as a soul having a physical experience, we are not only 'holy' and 'pure' and 'perfect'. For that is an illusion. In fact, perfection is exactly what it is and we are with all the imperfections and perfections we might find 😀

This comes with awareness, with recognising things like what makes you behave that way, what is it about someone else that is pressing on something in you. Be aware that most likely what you dislike in someone or something is something you dislike or do not accept in yourself or you are not even conscious about.   

I know these two are the hardest ones to swallow... but do your best, for it will be worth it when digested it and the nourishment for your body and soul will be immense.

The truth is perfection is in the here and now and nowhere else! For all that needs to be is here!
And that takes me to something else: the need to stop 'doing' and just 'be'.

We do NOT need to do anything - we just need to BE! 

So stop trying to do and allow yourself to simply be. And allow the ones around you the same.

I found that in therapy - in the beginning - I remember paying so much attention to whether I was doing the right things, saying the right things, etc... now I just allow myself to 'be', totally present within the room with my clients and trust. And you know what? It all simply flows and happens and 'is'.

It's all about the connection, the unconditional love and acceptance, the relationship... that is what makes it therapeutic and healing, that is what makes it safe and a place for change.
The same with parent and child, the connection needs to be there. The sense of unconditional love for the person, not the behaviour or the achievements is the most important thing. A child needs to feel she is accepted, loved for who she is - not what she does! No 'good boy or girl' for the behaviour or the actions can not make you good or bad. You simply are what you are.

I hope this gives you some food for thought and self-discovery. The most amazing lessons in life come's from self-exploration and understanding.

And at the end of the day - hours away from a solar eclipse where so many people are made to believe that the world is going to change forever - I believe we are changing not because the ETs are here, or that some magical event is happening, but because we are becoming more aware and conscious and therefore taking more responsibility. The kind of responsibility our parents were too scared in taking. :)
So yes let's make it a world like no other before...

Remember we can not change anyone else - only ourselves!  So changing the world is not in our hands but by changing ourselves a bit we will be affecting others. And those others will be affecting others - and like that we will change the world from within outwards. Again, expecting the world to change for us or wishing for explanations and fairness will not take us anywhere. Fairness comes from within. Are you fair to yourself? Do you see the real you? Have you learnt to be comfortable with what you see? Can you accept it even though you know there is space for improvement? Do you recognise your own good and are aware of that shadow so you can face it and be in control?  Be kind to yourself every day! This is a journey and a work in progress... it will never be totally finished to our standards 😉

Enjoy the ride !!

xxx     

"To be or not o be" a reflection on the 'Me'...

                                                                   "Essence of Me"

Photo from: http://randomdancingthoughts.blogspot.co.uk


8th May 2012

"To be or not to be" a reflection on the 'Me'

What is it first? The chicken or the egg? The 'me' today or the 'me' before? Am I today more true to my essence? Who was the 'me' before? The protection, the false self, the defence, the mechanism of survival? The creation of the Superego?

For years I have been aware a part of me has gone... A part that people use to identify as me. But was that the real me? I don't miss it!

"I found you the way you are" ... but I been thinking I become someone else since I been with you! Sometimes it feels like you bring out the worst in me?! But is this an illusion?

Maybe what the reality is, is that you bring out my shadow and you reflect my shadow so I can face it. And what I have become I haven't become - I am! 
I now have free my self of the pretend because of your unconditional love and acceptance!

Ok this big and heavy. Am I ready to go deep?

I am true to myself and others now, but was I before? I was, but as well there was a part of me that pretended to be what I thought others would like me to be. Sometimes that was a way of having attention, sometimes of feeling needed and value and sometimes a way of having power! Power, yes we use power to have control, and I always needed to be in control!

Romantic love for most of my life was not an option, either there was no interest from the other side or I was not interested or I was not allowed... Then when trauma came and blame and shame came about... When 'innocent' meant nothing and I found myself alone, empty and lost... Nothing had any meaning...

I found myself walking the streets alone, homeless and young... No bag, no money, no identity... Lost in my pain I found a friend who took me in... New life, new me... Survive I will for sure I knew and I did... But I was dead inside!

Take it from me, take it! Who cares? Innocence? What is that when you die? Feelings are luxury you not allowed to have when you dead inside, all becomes mechanical, and all works fine as long as you don't get attached or expect any more...

I learn the game, but I was saved, I did not belong there... Still, I run away dead inside and start my long journey of finding my self alive! The game kept me save for a time...

Walking the walk of life when you partly dead is quite a job but one you not aware because you don't know you dead!
All looks normal from the outside in and inside is so dark and numb that you have no clue. But time heals and the light comes in... Opportunities come and things change...
By now there is one thing you have learned: never need anyone, never ask, never expect and when you start wanting more, you know its time to move away and move on... Like this you know you will not be hurt and you safe within that new protection - that is the game!

So how do we change those bad but essential mechanisms of protection and survival?
You tell yourself things can be different that you deserve to have it for real... And you do, I did! 
I started waking up and realising I could live.

I gave a chance and it was hard work and it did not work but it was worth the experience... As time goes by, you learn to trust and give chances... And they are all valuable for the enrichment of the soul. Not always works, but we try and no hard feelings...

On the way even within the hurt, we start realising that it doesn't destroy you because you are more than that, we know we will be ok. We learn to trust and have faith, to feel more comfortable with who we are and with walking the walk.

Until one day we find the one! The one who 'sees' you! And you 'see' him! Who you can only 'be', with no pretense, no false image... Where no arguments are needed when thoughts are shared and spooky moments are part of daily life. But someone like this, as I call my one, not a soul mate but in fact, a soul twin comes at a price! For both!

Is hard work living full time with your soul twin, the image of the self, and the image of the shadow! Every day is a challenge and every day is a discovery...
Yes having a mirror where you start projecting, exploring transferences and countertransferences is a life of self-therapy, self-reflection and self-discovery but as well its a place of full exposure! The level of soul nudity is beyond any physical one... How do you live when you can not hide?

I live like that! Luckily I am a therapist myself and so I do understand a lot of what is going on and I give myself time to reflect, explore and talk about it... But digesting it can take time... And seeing the outcome of change is not always as easy or as quick as one would like... Just like those moments of stuckness I have with my clients... Change is difficult when one is comfortable with what is even when we don't like it or agree with it...

The hardest is the acceptance of the love and that unique acceptance that comes from someone who loves the 'all' that you are! That experience freaks me out! So much so I live rejecting that and pushing it way... Maybe so I eventually prove that the part of myself that lies to me is right, that I am not loveable and in fact, I am a horrible person! A cruel person!

Strange what we do to ourselves... I am aware and still is not easy to find the way out.

To be real! I am today and I am happy and content with who I am. I know I can be nice as much as I know I can be ugly and that is ok. I have a good sense of who I am and what I am about... I accept myself and love myself, but for a natural independent person who has issues with neediness, dependence and trust accepting it from others is still an issue I am working on.

So this is the answer for the "to be or not to be?" always at all times just Be! In my case ME ! 😀 x

The night of May 4th 2012 and my serious thoughts on it!

We need to question!

Photo of the moon by Joanne Rose, last night :)

So we are having a super moon today, and that sounds great. I know the moon can affect us women and something is really going on because the energy is pushing my inner self sideways and I feel frustrated and heavy and all things dark shades of grey just like our marvellous English weather at the moment...

But as usual when I feel this pulled I tend to try to explore what is going on... and today I realise I am annoyed with this 'new age' vibe that something really special is happening that we going to have this wonderful shift in consciousnesses in 21-12-12, but the one that is getting under my skin is the claim that today (5-5-12 or 5-5-5) is an amazing day!  See above picture.

When in fact it isn't!! Ok, it is like all other days and ok we are having an amazing moon up there in the sky that is the closest to the earth this year!  And in fact, a lot of wonderful people are planing great things in various corners of the globe, but that is it! No Planet alignments, no special meaning on the Mayan calendar! In fact, this is what the calendar says about today 5th May 2012:

From: http://www.azteccalendar.com/?day=5&month=5&year=2012
"The significance of this day: Day Itzcuintli (Dog) is governed by Mictlantecuhtli, God of Death, as its provider of tonalli (Shadow Soul) life energy. Itzcuintli is the guide for the dead, the spirit world's link with the living. Itzcuintli is a good day for funerals and wakes and remembering the dead. It is a good day for being trustworthy, a bad day for trusting others of questionable intent." What about that?

People decided to choose today of all days to make a mark in time and maybe history but just because they wanted to not because of any truthful external reason. And that is great!

That on the May the 5th a Hugging mission in Japan went on with over 500 people in a room, great! But to claim: 'The Dawn of a New Era! Dawn = To Become A New Day, as we are entering a new day of the world, May 5th is the BIG SHIFT day where the whole world will move into a new possibility for the future! We are here gathered here in Tokyo with 500 amazing humanitarians who are ready and willing to serve humanity in this amazing time. The Mystery School tradition has been waiting for 3000 years to celebrate this moment in time so we are excited to be here. It is a day of great news, news of a new world coming, so smile and have joy in your heart, the world is now going to change for the better! PEACE' 

Sorry but am not so sure... the intention is beautiful and I value that as much as I believe the fact that this happens with this intention, has and will affect thousands of people. Each of those 500 will touch other 500 or 1000 of people with their energy and their experience. So all that is valid.

Another one: May 5th we are gathering in Northern California at the Transformational Healing Center to spread light into our world. It's time to support change for the new, time to spread joy and love and dream of our bright and abundant futures.

Am sure I could find more but I feel no need, please don't take me wrong, I value and respect all these initiatives. I understand their value and their power but as well I question their intention and need to be selling us an illusion... 

Things like: 'The answer is… December 21, 2012.'  'The start of the Age of Aquarius is December 21, 2012. There is a galactic alignment coming, our DNA will be changing for the better, and things are going to get better.'  wow really? Who says so?

When in fact from http://www.nasa.gov/topics/earth/features/2012.html

"Q: Could phenomena occur where planets align in a way that impacts Earth?
A: There are no planetary alignments in the next few decades, Earth will not cross the galactic plane in 2012, and even if these alignments were to occur, their effects on the Earth would be negligible. Each December the Earth and sun align with the approximate centre of the Milky Way Galaxy but that is an annual event of no consequence.
Q): Are there any threats to the Earth in 2012? Many Internet websites say the world will end in December 2012.
(A): Nothing bad will happen to the Earth in 2012. Our planet has been getting along just fine for more than 4 billion years, and credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012.
Q: Does the Mayan calendar end in December 2012?
A: Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period but then -- just as your calendar begins again on January 1 -- another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar."

And from http://www.archiedunlop.com/2010/04/26/when-does-the-age-of-aquarius-start/

"(...) Age of Pisces started at the beginning of the Third Century AD – I make it around AD 228.  This means that the Age of Aquarius doesn’t start until AD 2376, which isn’t for another 366 years."
(This post is from 2010 now is at least 364 years)
"(...) And of course, both Christianity and Islam put a high premium on martyrdom.  That’s a very Piscean concept, sacrificing one’s life for the sake of a high purpose.
Yet some people would say that Christianity is running out of steam, at least in North America and Western Europe.  Isn’t this a sign that the Age of Pisces is coming to an end, that the Age of Aquarius is just round the corner?
However, if you look at some of the ‘new age’ replacements for Christianity, they embody many of the features of the sign Pisces.  Fuzzy and chaotic thinking, and the embracing of new and old fads without asking too many questions.  Crystal healing, channelling, dancing with nature, it’s all part of the Age of Pisces experience."
And surprise, surprise for some:
"It should also be said that the new age movement has got very little to do with the sign Aquarius.  After all, Aquarius is a tough sign, that’s ruled by Saturn.  It’s also a sign that’s rational, that puts the head before the heart."

So where I am going with this? I just want to make a point, to show that we should not take things at their face value! We are here to explore and question not just to accept just because everyone else is.

We need to let go of this need in believing that all will be wonderful... that we become saved of our sins and get eternal life after we die or now some cosmic thing is going to happen and we all will find enlightenment, love, peace forever on earth... What is this? We rejecting religion that puts Heaven up there, in the afterlife, the future and we now want to bring it here to earth, the present the life?

Again don't think I don't believe that this is possible, for it is and it is already here!! In our minds and in our lives, every day of every year of our own lives we live in hell or in heaven, for all that is not a place but it is a spiritual consciousness.
One religion sells us heaven after earth now we been sold that heaven is going to be here on earth... has if? Come on hell and heaven is in us!! In our conscious and the reality we create for ourselves!

"According to Swedenborg, heaven and hell are not merely places but spiritual states. We do not “go there” when we die. We are already there. By choosing a life of goodwill and devotion, we build a heaven in our hearts".

I think we get confused here with what real spirituality is and for that, I will share this:

Defining spirituality from a personal perspective:

Spirituality to me is found within. Is when you stop looking elsewhere, in places or people. Is when you stop, look and listen. It comes from a place of trust, faith, openness and it might be awakened in a moment of despair in life.

Now very important what spirituality is not is this idea that when you have it, when you find it, when you join in all will be magical and bliss and enlightenment is there at you reach.

Spirituality is growth; patience; work; pain; facing fear; learning to trust; live in the present; accept our shadow!; face our own demons!

Real spirituality is facing the darkness that is in all of us! Not pretend that we are only holly and good, for we are 😊 but we are troubled and confused too, and dark and angry... and that is all ok!

Spirituality is good and bad, dark and light, night and day, masculine and feminine, love and hate it is all that it is! We are not only good as there is not only night.

Only when we realise, accept and embrace the shadow side can we know what light really is.

Becoming aware and bringing the unconscious to conscious is the key. Self reflect always, look and see, learn with the world around you for it is mirroring yourself. Listen to your inner voice, don't just ask and ask, listen! Stop. Let yourself just be! Stop trying!

To be spiritual you don't need a special diet! Or to wear special clothes, you don't need to stop your job or leave your family to go anywhere. You just need to be you! The beautiful thing you are, awake; aware; with acceptance of yourself and others; with unconditional love for you and others; with trust and faith 😀 x

 

PS: and yes when you get here, there is a sense of peace that is unique and wonderful 😊 and you feel blessed every day even when things might not be what you wish... challenges will never stop coming to test you but you will feel hold and content and you will know you are never alone, for within you is everything! That we can call bliss 💕

 

Have a fantastic day and next time a friend sends you something or someone tells you something don't just believe it! Question! Explore! Ask! Look into yourself! Love and light to you all and thanks for reading it... I know it was quite long... too much to say, I leave you with this beautiful picture of Heaven on earth! Enjoy!  xxx

 

PS: By the way, I do believe 2012 is a very special year to many of us, so many people are awaking... and that is fantastic but they need to keep their feet in the ground for that is where we are! On earth! 😉